The Kiss of The Unknown

by Aashdoda

© June 14, 2011

          The kiss of the unknown is a very hard thing to savor sometimes when it is messing with my love life because someone thinks it is right to take my identity and pretend they are me to my love, then take his and do it to me.  They try to extort money, manipulate, fabricate heart wrenching stories just to get what they want, more money!  It may not be personal to them but to me it is very personal.

          I've never been a woman to be trifled with and as I age far less so.

          "Get a job!  Get a life!" I snap back knowing that's the only way anyone gets anywhere in this world.  "You want something then go earn it."  I understood this at age 8.  I went and got my first job throwing newspapers so I could afford to buy jeans my mother wouldn't because she told me we didn't have the money.  It was so elementary to me it was like adding 1+1 in school and it equaled the action of responsibility.

          Being responsible for my own need to have a warm pair of jeans was my first experience with learning that I was responsible for what I do and do not do.  I saw that I could do without them and be cold or have the jeans I wanted and stay warmer on the long 2 mile trek to and then again from school every day.  Colorado's cold isn't the most unforgiving around, no moisture to speak of most of the time makes it milder than most climates however, there are days that isn't the case especially when the snow was up over my knees.  I simply saw no need to suffer because I had the will to change it, no need to whine or feel sorry for myself.  I saw no need to argue about it with my mother.  She had clothed me the best she could but the pants I had were hand-me-downs and thread bare unlike the ones I wanted.  I simply saw that I could change the situation if I applied myself and did it.

          I had no reason to disbelieve my mother and every reason to help myself.  In fact that was a long standing joke in my family because I was all but born saying, "I myself."  Stomping my tiny 16 month old foot in protest because I wanted to tie my own shoes like everyone else, never mind the fact I hadn't a clue how.

          In the process of life I have found that it is paramount to be responsible for what energy I am creating and bringing into this world.  In life I am either corrupting or blessing every situation and everyone I touch.  I'm not a victim so scams are lost on me early in the game.  I live by feel and I know when I'm being played even by the best.  The subtlest lie leaves a faint smell of stench I've grown up with and I recognize it anywhere.  The hardest place to catch it is on the internet because most of human communication is nonverbal which betrayers feelings are able to keep carefully hidden behind a distant computer screen.

          The internet is nothing but the unknown, throw a heart into the mix hoping to look only to for the love of a like minded soul to spend time with, something that can grow into a relationship and hopefully find that special someone to grow old with, and suddenly without warning your ISP is hacked, your conversations hijacked and I find myself in the darkest place I've known in years.  I'm flying blind!  I hate it but this is what our world has come to, the stage between the real honest communication between two people and the growing technological seam popping of progress where upon the improvements haven't caught up to creating that perfect environment where real honest communication can't be faked, barring of course the choice to lie.

          Lies are so much more than a slippery slope.  They cause the liar to slip and slid and struggle to remember the details if it's going to be convincing but the fact they are tearing their own soul apart in the process is the real tragedy.  Every lie is a paper cut to the spirit and soul, some eventually festering with infections that are hard to stop.  In time the tissue itself will rot and fall off, disintegrating the limbs one by one until it's too late.

        At 8 I figured it out, responsibility was simply an act of responding, choosing how I wanted to act.  Reacting is a gut level response without thought, without choice put into action.  Often desire is a great motivation to react without thought or care to someone else's feelings and situation.  Reactions can be both good and bad but generally I see them as uninformed ignorance or choice to be ignorant and thoughtless.  The only time reactions are helpful to me are those born of my already predetermined by conscious considerable choice how I have chosen to live my life with healthy and appropriate boundaries, enforcers of those boundaries.  Cross those boundaries and I will react with a verbal declaration to go no further or..., that is when I lay out the consequences of proceeding further and reveal my considerable powers of will and action that will in fact enforce the undesired conclusion.  I'm tough and hard if I have to be, far more than any diamond thought it could be.

        I have been a woman scammer's seem to think is a push over on the internet.  I am as kind and nice, thoughtfully soft and womanly nurturing, as I appear to be.  I don't have a desperate bone in my body.  Living alone is a pleasure of its own though not knowing me they can't begin to size me up, I am a woman after all.  Cross me however and my mother's instincts and survival mode or self preservation will instantly kick in and I am a bear to deal with.  I will play with them just to see how far they intend to take the game, waste their time and efforts before I slam them much harder than they could ever see coming.  Mess with my heart and I will not let that go. 

        I never mess with other people's hearts or affections.  I live the Golden Rule and I never expect to be treated any other way than honestly.  The heart is a primal place no one should ever be cruel or dismissive, nor betray the confidence of intimacy established.  I believe it to be one of the most heartless things a person can do is to betray anothers trust, because it betrays the entire relationship and leaves scars that sometimes go so much deeper than is possible to know.  Why knowingly or unknowingly destroy someone because you think, and think is the operative word here, they have something you want?  Love in particular doesn't come along every day.  It is the most incredible blessing I have ever known and been honored to experience, a sacred treasure beyond anything that can be described.

        As I've waded into the internet dating scene looking for companionship with the potential hope for something more to grow out of a basic healthy relationship I realize that the kiss of the unknown is immensely sweet or devastatingly sour.  It has been my unfortunate experience to have tasted the sour of life so much more than I've known sweetness.  Websites have tools at their disposal to make this kiss of the unknown much safer for all of us yet they still do not use them, statistics tools that track IP's from the country of origin.  All it would do is tell those of us looking if the person is in fact telling the truth or not at the beginning.  It is a very sad commentary on humanity that we still need to govern some people's behavior.  At least this would give many or us a real chance to find the real thing.

        Even so the loneliness in my heart says give love one more try.  Just because a few apples in the barrel are rotten to the core, spoiled and nasty, doesn't mean the entire barrel is a waste.  The kiss of the unknown lives in my memory now just as it always has with both agony and ecstasy.  I simply choose to look hopefully toward the later mindful of the former and the games that reveal which I'll find under certain circumstances.

        I am in awe of the human spirit and it's resilience!  The eternal optimist I am perhaps I have more resilience than I ever dreamt.

        Here's to love and to life!  I plan on getting the best of everything I can, earning it.  I will learn when it hurts, and I'll kiss every toad I must to find one special enough to keep here beside me that wants me for the same reasons.  Rotten apples aside, love is worth the risk, the pain and the fear of the unknown kiss.

Lightening Strikes Twice

by Aashdoda

©June 12, 2011

          Just when I thought I'd regained my equilibrium I decided that once burned in dating doesn't mean I always will be.  I chose to put myself out there.  This means that I have to trust the person on the other end of the computer screen, or the other side of the table.  I waded in cautiously and built my profile both from the stance of the truth about who I am and from a place of tender bruises that were healing well from time and the work of lessons learned.  I kept wondering, what does it feel like letting go to the right man, the right healthy kind of love?  I could see it but not quite feel it but this was my goal, had been as I healed a lifetime of traumas.  To love with all my heart and soul one special good and kind man of integrity was always my end goal.  I was not about to give up now just from bruises and all.

          Loneliness it turns out is nothing more than a motivation to move me to put myself out there again.  It isn't as bad of a state of mind feeling it's pangs tugging on me as I used to think.  Yes, it is annoying and some of the time very frustrating but the fact remains it isn't the worst thing in the world.  I've already live through that twice, my children dying.  Nothing compares to that!  I will however, never discount someone else's feelings on the subject because their pain is theirs and it may feel worse to them never having lived what I have.  At some point pain is just pain and hurt is just a part of life none can escape.  I'll say this, it has been my teacher more than I care to be it's pupil.

          I left room in my profile for fun and laughter, my soul state of mind and being, and of course an invitation to flirt and find himself captivated.  I am at the core fun loving and filled with joy, in part thanks to my children, and enormously because that is simply how God made me.  I am in case of point a bubble still looking for a place to land and happen!  I love life and am grateful for any moment I get because if nothing else I learn and grow and change to be more of whom I was always intended to become.  I gave the roulette wheel of love a good spin with a lot of heartfelt prayers asking God that if He truly wanted me to find someone to share my life with I was trusting Him to be the one that would bring the man he had designed for me into my path.  This way this man couldn't resist my profile or my picture and if God wanted to keep me all to Himself it let room for His Divine will.  Now I knew this also meant that if I wasn't truly ready, or if he wasn't, there was the outside possibility nothing at all would happen.  It meant I might be meant to stay God's and His alone.  The only thing I couldn't imagine was that God kept giving me desires, if not to meet them then I needed to find out why they were there.  It was possible I'd meet someone that had some profound lesson for me to learn, perhaps only that.  I know without any doubt I can survive anything and I trust God, the Universe, karma or whatever someone else wants to call it to always see me through my life's circumstances whether they are horribly bad, mediocre or wonderfully good.  So I sucked it up gathered all my courage to put myself out there, as Dr. Phil says, into "a target rich environment".  Spinning that wheel wasn't hard just nerve wracking because I had also prayed nothing at all would happen, not a single hit if I was meant to stop dating and leave this alone.

          Immediately within less than one minute 2 pings came in, words of interest, especially kind and thoughtful too.  By the end of two and a half days 78 hits and many emails landed in my inbox.  I was overwhelmed with joy for my answer being so clear.  I was also reticent at the scammers that were obviously interested in playing with me, so I edited my profile and made it clear that I'm not a one night stand woman, a hook up, or about to fall for a scammer.  I literally told those men to "take a short walk off a really high cliff", having already had to nurse a broken heart from one so recently I seduced into revealing himself.  When he tipped his cards I had him thanks to Blogger.com's statistic's tools that tracked him to Nigeria.  The insult to my intelligence had been my last straw, last red flag as if waving it in front of an already agitated bull. 

          I will say this, I learned a lot about dating and red flags from that venture.  Trusting my gut instinct is paramount in dating, and I believe in relationships too in order to tend the garden they are attentively.  Now the whisper of one reddish flag heightens my keen sensibilities and I get hard, cautious not to sound it but I command facts I can check, re-check and verify.  The safety of my life and my heart deserves it.  I don't care if it hurts feelings, I will not willingly be an idiot and/or a victim.  I would rather be wrong and seriously have some contrite apologizing to do than be scammed again and left with a broken heart.  I learned how words can seduce my heart into starting feelings I want to pursue.  The feelings are universal we all search for and hope one day will come home to us, love the most basic and primal of all.  Scammers know this and prey upon us and our emotions.  I will not however allow my head to leave the dance floor without knowing all I can that will keep me safe.  I look directly into the face of desires that try to blind me and refuse them fulfillment until I know it is the real deal.  I'd rather stop and change partners than ignore the warnings that tell me to run.  I need the truth so much more!

          With my answer that God wants me to take this journey further I started answering emails and sending a few of my own.  Rejection at this stage isn't personal.  Dating on the internet is literally like life, a numbers game to search for compatibility before looking to stop and find out about all that's there.  Loneliness, I was proud of myself, was never part of the process just the vehicle to get me started.

          Witty remarks and flirtatiousness abounded.  Then it happened!  Lighten struck me as one profile rose above all the others.  A face that was warm and genuinely kind literally spoke to me a whisper my very soul could not ignore.  My heart lept as I read his profile and was moved by his tenderness of heart.  The fact his interests aligned with mine so readily amazed me.  It was all the little things in life he was looking for, the quality of a mature woman that lives from the perspective of love's true behaviors.  It was as my best friend said, "Like reading what you would write!"  I was surprised he lived a 1,000 miles away so I waited a day to think about whether or not I wanted to respond.  Still nursing bruises I wasn't keen on it again with all the complications distance brings.  Being able to see someone on a regular basis should he be interested was important to me.  Long distance relationships hurt too much for my taste, worse they can make me keep my distance emotionally because being out of sight can be out of my mind.  It's not intentional on my part but I know it can happen and I didn't want that for someone I cared enough to date especially if there was more there.  I found myself wondering if it was the right man would he slip from my mind?  That may or may not be unique to me, all I know is that it isn't fair to anyone least of all our hearts.  I won't play with anyone's heart because it always leads to hurt.  I won't cause it and I won't tolerate it when others do it to me.  Yes, I live by the golden rule because I am responsible for what I put out knowing it will come back.  Were I to fall for him the distance would hurt all the more knowing I have no way to change my circumstances that keep me right where I am.  Then the surprise of my life happened, lightning struck twice, he contacted me!

          All I could do was melt and say, "OH BOY!  I started this God, now HELP ME!" 

          I had no idea what was in store for me only that he had been up front and honest about where he was at the moment that unfortunately was one of the big red flags scammers say, he was out of the country on business.  The difference that didn't escape me was that he wrote it in his profile the one thing a scammer won't do.  Scammers choose careers that take them out of the USA, often professional careers like a geologist working for major oil companies but when pinned down for specifics they lie all too obviously or avoid the question.  They give American phone numbers so a reverse trace is useless unless it hits in the wrong city from what's said.  They can be readily tripped up on details if you give it time and keep at them.  Here is a good test of a scammer, learn about their career and find a joke to make and see if they get it.  I told the first scammer I encountered innocently joking he liked rocks in his pockets, which is what a geologist specializes in, earth and minerals.  He never got it but tried to gloss over it.  This man however was as upfront as could be.  This man wasn't avoiding anything.  He was speaking his truth and that is what is never lost on me. 

          Here I am waiting to meet him, literally corresponding at all hours of the day and night trying to learn what we can about each other only the distance is killing us both.  Feelings are growing, desire is rearing its head demanding attention yet it is impossible for the time being.  Obstacles are painful but the internet with distance in the mix, particularly Africa is problematic because their internet service is very unreliable, therefore so are phones.   

      

      So how do I know how to let myself feel?  I don't.  I do or I don't feel something.  Listening is an art.   All I know is what I feel and what frightens me, bring it up to him, be bluntly honest, hope and pray like he says he does, and I trust him in steps with my heart.  Just as he appears to be we both await the inevitable meeting, with fears and great anticipation as we discover each other.  When the emotion runs high for me I simply bring it all back to him and ask him for help regaining my footing in our situation.  Because he gives me specifics about himself, things I know only a man of his profession would know about, terms, procedures, all kinds of things I settle down into the peaceful wonderment of knowing just how real he is.  That is only part of what makes my feelings grow for him.  It is the consistency of his behaviors toward me that are loving, understanding, thoughtful and considerate that have led me to find myself slipping into a dream based in reality that has the sweet scent of his integrity.  I give him the same in return with glimpses into me born of honesty.  Many a time I'm sure he's laughing because I can't help being just a little twisted with my humor, after all I am a woman and a writer so that makes me curious and full of trouble.  Oh yes, I have a wild side too.  If I can't be good as my best friends says, "Then be your BEST!"

        Walking around these days everyone asks me what's happened, why I look so different but only a few have pegged me on sight saying I've met someone.  I have a smile from ear to ear but I'm different.  I've struggled not to jump the gun and assume anything but my heart is simply having its way with me.

          The loudest crack of thunder rolled through me when his precious little girl, 10 years old with only a child's truthfulness talked shyly to me last night.  "I really want to meet you," she said pulling every heart string I have.  I told her I wanted to meet her too, very much.  Without missing a beat she straight out said, "I think my daddy is in love with you!"  Her exclamation point went right thru me.  I gasped glad I was a several thousand miles away at this moment behind a computer screen.  I was startled and taken back for a moment but found the words to ask her with great concern how she felt about that.  She said she was glad to see her daddy happy.  Little did she have a clue the reverberations of shock waves coursing through me had utterly taken me completely off balance.

          I walked the floor for a few moments until he would come back as she said bye.  "Oh, Lord!"  I began to say out loud still feeling her innocent truthful observation, thinking how out of the mouth of babe's comes the most profound of all truth.  The internet pinged and I found myself rushing back in thoughts out loud listening only halfway to my voice ask, "Does she know that I lo..v..e.., him?"  

          My hand suddenly covered my mouth as I gasped for air that would not come.

          My own words stopped me cold in my tracks!  That sacred 4 letter word I rarely share escaped readily like lava from a volcano exploding.

          Suddenly I knew I was in love and it took the innocence of a child free of the baggage of life to show me.  He asked what she had said so I told him.  He tried to make light of it saying how crazy kids are but the way he wrote told me he was feeling it too, just as afraid as I was to say it.  We both had concerns it happened so fast and on the internet.  "Can this be real?" we both were asking, feeling a long road battered by life yet so wanting the fairy tale dream to be our reality.

          The next morning I wrote him a long email telling him all the things I was feeling, taking a chance revealing my heart intimately.  I told him it was her innocent truthful observation that forced me to have the clarity I needed to understand why I was struggling with my emotions tossing me all over the map.  What I was trying to suppress simply can't be denied.  "I love you!" I found myself saying but what's more the feelings were filling the fountain of life within me to overflowing wonder that kept on going.

          Even now I don't know how it happened over the internet.  I only know it did.  I have time to get to know his heart, so loving and gentle, full of tender kindness and compassion, wisdom and deep quiet waters of passion that run far beneath the surface where his words are both milk and honey.  It is however his integrity that has made this so easy, down right simple for me to let go and love him.  The best thing in the world happened when I took this chance to tell him how I feel, though I was falling and he was too, we landed together and held on.

          Lightning really does strike twice in the very same spot.  This time I am the most blessed woman on this earth and in the entire universe!!!  This time he's no scammer but a man in love with me!  I find myself loving him more every day seeing so many things through his eyes that make me smile a smile like no other.  I sing for no reason whatsoever tunes I've never heard, and I can't stop writing even if I wanted to.  He is my love and my inspiration!  Indeed, love is GRAND!