© April 2011
When my heart scrambles for love, aching and needing to connect, tears come to my eyes because I know everything always passes both good and bad. All things change and that means I'm ok in my tears, ok in my heartache, and it is time to simply feel my feelings so the sun can shine again where I'm fine just the same as today.
Maybe I do want that crazy out of control over the top wondrous miracle feeling love brings that frightens me so. That passionate zeal that keeps me awake praying for the object of my affection for no other reason than I want to. The insanity that ties my tongue and keeps me off balance, fills my stomach with butterflies, flushes my face and betrays my every feminine secret.
I love so easily. I see so much in another person, but it does not mean we have the connection my heart keeps roving eye's out for signs of. At least being single allows me the right to rove without guilt. Sometimes it means this is a passing moment of connecting barely below the surface, or a hit and miss, or a bump on the highway of life. Time can grown anything if allowed to be tended by the gentle loving hand of a gardener that nurtures persistently the relationship in his or her care. The plant will be what it is meant to be. Sometimes a plant is just a plant and sometimes it will bud briefly for a moment and the it's just a green thing. Sometimes the most amazing transitions occur and that little seed becomes a flowering wonder of exotic color and shapes so perfectly balanced and fragrant it delights every sense I've got. Then there are days as I walk through the gardens of my life following the barren rutted and worn path where nothing grows I look down to find a fascinating surprise, the love of a lifetime looking back at me. My knees go weak and my heart beats wildly to a tune I never thought to expect though I hoped maybe, just maybe one day I'd find it again in someone new.
Fear can't stop me because I won't allow it. Only I can do that. I do not like living limited in mind or body or spirit so I keep myself open to every eventuality and lead with my heart wide open. I stop to smell whatever catches my eye just because sometimes I feel the need to do so. I've grown to love this so much, eat the food of my soul's expansion. I've made it a habit to slow down and really look at what's before me, see the possibilities, and smell the aromas around me. For all I know it's a weed or a thorny vine wanting to take over and strangle my garden but it just might be so much more. In every case I find out because I need to know. I gather my thoughts and feelings, attend to what I must before I simply pick myself up and move on. I see how I always move on, better and wiser than before, sometimes worse for the wear, but I always move forward.
I hate games, most especially the subtle yes means no and no means yes dating games. I'm literal and direct and to the point. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I don't mince words and I won't bicker or nag. I ask and then I find a way to just get whatever needs doing done.
Nothing will stop my heart hoping for the dream of a love to share because I have loved, lost yes but I have loved with all my heart and soul. I know it is the one thing I do best, what I was born for. Therefore my answer is clear. It is time to start dating, wading through the mixed messages and have some fun. At the very least I'm certain of this; I will learn something new today. Every day I challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone I learn, and love is worth the bumps and bruises it takes, even a broken heart, to figure out a way to travel the road of love with someone my heart sings to.
