by Aashdoda
© May 25, 2011
What do you do when you find out that the one you came to believe loved you betrays you? What do I do when you discover it was all a cleverly camouflaged set of intricate lies meant to deceive me?
I find a heavy sigh laden with tears tearing out from inside the deepest recesses of my heart. My chest feels squeezed in a vice as the pain literally radiates like a spear clear through to my spine. My throat begins to feel tightened by the large grapefruit sized lump of painful emotions pushing toward expression. My mind races to calculate my safety factor before I can ever let myself go. A lifetime of the worst betrayals imaginable have taught me to be ultimately cautious of whom is within ear shot of my pain. At this point I cannot allow just anyone to know me as intimately as I feel, more than naked, flayed in my exposure. I have to decide how to let myself have my feelings, now or hold off, and listen to what my inner promptings are telling me I will need in order to go through the onslaught of the flood coming the dam in my mind will hold only so long before PTSD will crack it.
If all is well in my own personal space, all too often isolation, I will retreat to a dark place in my house, or go climb to the highest spot I can find on a mountain side and hide. It is frequently now the sacred cocoon of my bedroom, curtains closed quickly, windows as well or else I'll crank the fan on the air conditioner in the window during summer, and blast some music from my computer to soothe the savage beast approaching. I know it won't help at the moment but the time for it will come. Music has saved my life before so I know the time will come that I will need it. The sounds I feel rumbling can easily strike terror though I have learned once safe I can let it be only fear, let myself cry and feel until it transforms itself.
Deeper into the dark abyssal I go never knowing if there's another monster to confront or a stone was left unturned. Sobs and heaves take over my entire body just as a child when they look up in a stroller or car seat and they scream from heart wrenching disappointment. As a mother I know the need to let the feelings be just as they are. I also know to bring comfort in a soothing touch to remind the little one inside of me that it will be alright but for now just cry it out. It feels shattering as even more darkness, that of self-doubt approaches. No, I tell myself, you didn't deserve this, you did nothing wrong. The fears and insecurities of a lifetime all seem to bleed into this one moment.
I buckle the instant my world is secure, sometimes even before I manage to slip my shoes off. Like a monsoon there is no holding the rising waters only more and more rain of emotion and pain. The past and present bleed together. The present triggers the past and the past triggers the present as a deep guttural wail finally escapes me the instant my motherly voice speaks the words I need to hear, "It is alright now, I am here." There is no life raft, no flotation device, no one to save me much less be a soft place to fall. There are only waves of anguish that toss me about like a leaf on the ocean rolling out to sea. Because of my past the landscape is riddled with coral the waves thrash me upon literally tearing through the thin layers of my being as effortlessly as if I were made of rice paper. It is no longer necessary for me to calculate. It's paramount for me to just feel, ride each wave ever mindful which pain I'm crying, sorting and sifting and praying all at the same time to keep what I'm feeling just a feeling and stay in the moment.
It isn't pretty but it works for me. Life feels so cruel but I know that's a perception born of time that was never meant to teach me this. This is simply part of the process of life and dating, deception that can lead to heartbreak. Mine, I never take that well, certainly not in stride for I have lived and seen far too much to make this anything less than what it is, excruciating pain! Time is my friend though in the throes of anguish comfort comes only from knowing I will submerge as the waves throw me around and dash me against rocks from the past while crying for the loss that has gashed me to the bone and sometimes deeper, fighting to breath will just take longer. When I submit to my circumstances like a drowning person, eventually I have learned, I will rise back to the surface following the bubbles of my breath. The harder I fight the less my surroundings can support me because I'm fighting the Universe that was designed to support me. In the end if I let myself simply feel then the fight is no longer necessary. The natural buoyancy of raging emotion will ebb and flow with the tides and bring me to the surface again and again until at last it is done.
I will lay quietly bobbing up and down feeling everything inside of me, my prayers at last answered. The storm is past and it is time to rest. As I ask of God only to stay, not let go, He always comforts me with the sound of His tender mercy and gracious compassions. I will drift all the way into sleep holding fast to the connection of our souls. There the part of me that just is one with Him I can still feel. Even when I can't feel Him that part is there reminding me He didn't go anywhere, I'm just not ready to listen.
I will lay quietly bobbing up and down feeling everything inside of me, my prayers at last answered. The storm is past and it is time to rest. As I ask of God only to stay, not let go, He always comforts me with the sound of His tender mercy and gracious compassions. I will drift all the way into sleep holding fast to the connection of our souls. There the part of me that just is one with Him I can still feel. Even when I can't feel Him that part is there reminding me He didn't go anywhere, I'm just not ready to listen.
My humanity cries for the soul of the one I loved though he lied to me about who he was, lied about his feelings, and in point of fact lied to do nothing but try to steal money from me. His delusion I can give him what I don't have is hubris and pathetic. What hurts isn't just what he did, what he said, or lied about. What hurts is what could have been, the very best thing he'd ever know. The fact his behavior is literally destroying his very soul and he doesn't even care bothers me but it is his choice.
I don't know how to love someone with conditions, except for healthiness. I either love them with all that I am or I don't. There is no halfway. There is no deception in my love for it demands the very best within me I have to give. I will reach out, do little things every day, all day to make the man I love know he is truly and deeply loved. I will shoot the moon, bag the stars for him, and serve him with respect. I will also stand up, be noticed and command healthy respect of my own. I will trust until I see I dare no longer do so. My love is healthy and it has boundaries because I love myself too. It tells me when I have to hold back, walk away, let the one I love figure it out for himself. It tells me to watch for all the reasons to let it free even though my mind tells me something is wrong. I listen to the whispers of God and He tells me through my love how to act. Love demands its own set of healthiness from me and I follow it never bothering to look back to regret ever again. When it is betrayed I don't stop loving, I stop giving. I step back in grief, in shock and dismay, but love will never die for it is mine until the very end of time.
Love in me simply is and once it is it is forever. My children taught me that. The fact they were killed taught me how much more important it is to live from love's perspectives. They showed me the depths within me I have to love are the reservoir of life itself. I believe that is why God said He is love. He wanted us to know the secret to the Universe. Only in love do I know life in all its many splendid facets! In love we all are the best we can be. Only in love can I truly learn to know all of myself, all that I am capable of. Only in love can I go to the ends of the earth and truly move heaven and earth.
Dare I ever trust someone telling me they love me? Dare I trust love again? Yes, but there is a lesson to be learned. I can't stop trusting love, the best that is in me. I need to give it but step by step and hold onto faith, that which is unseen, while looking for reasons to keep it or walk away. No one else needs to pay for this man's mistakes however intentional. No one deserves less of me, less of my love. The one I give my heart to now will know a wiser more cautious soul.
Yes, my heart will be hurt, disappointment will find me again. It's all part of the process of dating. Love however, is always worth the risk or there will never be the reward, the joy of another that has the integrity worth trusting and believing in. Put the blame squarely where it belongs and get mad is what I do. My heart is precious and it did not deserve this betrayal. It is memories that might have been, could have been that hurt but the truth is they were only illusions therefore I can choose to not let them hurt me anymore. The lies will hurt for a while and yes, they will make me cry. This too shall pass. It will change if I allow it to. I can forgive him because it is obvious to me he doesn't have a clue about life or love, and I no longer need to carry him with me so I forgive to cut him loose from me.
Yes, my heart will be hurt, disappointment will find me again. It's all part of the process of dating. Love however, is always worth the risk or there will never be the reward, the joy of another that has the integrity worth trusting and believing in. Put the blame squarely where it belongs and get mad is what I do. My heart is precious and it did not deserve this betrayal. It is memories that might have been, could have been that hurt but the truth is they were only illusions therefore I can choose to not let them hurt me anymore. The lies will hurt for a while and yes, they will make me cry. This too shall pass. It will change if I allow it to. I can forgive him because it is obvious to me he doesn't have a clue about life or love, and I no longer need to carry him with me so I forgive to cut him loose from me.
To do this, to really see a way through this pain I look for answers to the questions now emerging from the light around me, the light I wasn't able to see until I feel how far down this pain goes. What can I learn from his betrayal and lies? What can I learn that will help me be wiser next time? Can I protect myself better and still let love in, let love have its way?
I see that I must trust love, and learn little by little to trust the next man. Yes, I will get scared but that doesn't mean it has to stand in my way or stop me. I simply have to keep being me and stand up for myself and my feelings, declare what I need and want with respect and finesse then see what happens. If he looks at me and hears me and follows through then the negotiation will be successful. As he continues I will trust more and more. All along I finally see trust isn't the issue when it comes to loving someone as much as having faith in myself and my ability to trust the right things in someone my heart yearns for. Whoever he is that comes next, whatever he presents to me I will trust him to be consistent in his actions until he proves otherwise. I will have faith in myself that I can handle this, negotiate my way as Dr. Phil would say, and hope for that which can't be seen only experienced.
The two way street of love is my goal. Now I know I will find it. I don't need to but I'd like to, who knows it may just find me.
"Why would you do this again?" Loving friends want to know.
"One or two rotten apples in a barrel doesn't always ruin the entire lot. I can single them out and get on with my quest for wonder, see what I can see and what I'll find. You never know what's just around the corner if I'd give up now."
I'll keep the wise path of knowledge of how scammers work in my thoughts and set out once again, always the adventurer. Maybe that's why I still have so much fun and find laughter when no one else can. This could have simply been a false start and now it is time to run the race to the clouds where I can actually find someone to make my home with, hold my hand, dance and play with me, laugh and even cry with me, someone that sees what I have to give and will in turn share himself with me.
Dorothy from Kansas clicked here heels and blew on her way. I'm clicking my keyboard gingerly but wading into the ocean where wonder awaits, praying but stepping in again.
The two way street of love is my goal. Now I know I will find it. I don't need to but I'd like to, who knows it may just find me.
"Why would you do this again?" Loving friends want to know.
"One or two rotten apples in a barrel doesn't always ruin the entire lot. I can single them out and get on with my quest for wonder, see what I can see and what I'll find. You never know what's just around the corner if I'd give up now."
I'll keep the wise path of knowledge of how scammers work in my thoughts and set out once again, always the adventurer. Maybe that's why I still have so much fun and find laughter when no one else can. This could have simply been a false start and now it is time to run the race to the clouds where I can actually find someone to make my home with, hold my hand, dance and play with me, laugh and even cry with me, someone that sees what I have to give and will in turn share himself with me.
Dorothy from Kansas clicked here heels and blew on her way. I'm clicking my keyboard gingerly but wading into the ocean where wonder awaits, praying but stepping in again.
