by Aashdoda
© June 30, 2011
When communication slows down and the nearly imperceptible moments of action grow disproportionately visible in negativity that's when communication needs a life preserver tossed directly to it. It's drowning!
It takes two people to keep it alive, two hearts to care enough to be the hero. If it goes under on one end or the rope is let go the dance is over. Hurt feelings can be mended but if communication drowns it is over for good.
There is a saying all lifeguards live by, "Reach. Throw. Row. Go!" In that order it is designed to save the lifeguard so there is optimal opportunity to save the drowning their eyes are firmly attached to. It is all about options that maximize opportunity for a positive outcome. If you have ever watched a lifeguard in action trying to save someone you will see this process and be amazed how intense their focus is to clear the water of all souls first to prevent a second drowning while keeping their eyes darting rapidly back to the first. They command attention in a startlingly certainty as they prepare to go if they must, the last resort because of how dangerous it really is. You will see the heart of the lifeguard to be serious, skilled, calm but firmly in control of the moment, strategic, and passionate about what they do and are about to do. There is no half way to save someone.
This has to be true of two people intimately communicating or the relationship will die tragically right before your very eyes. The helpless feeling of death cannot be escaped or hidden from, it will exact a price from the living.
I sit here half way around the world knowing all I can do is to reach out, throw out honesty with a sincere heart carefully choosing my words to reach the man I love. Was my softness mistaken or missed altogether? Is my kindness and tenderly feminine heart mistaken for a door mat? I cannot know. I give him the benefit of the doubt as to why communication is fading while at the same time my heart feels as if it is strangling from whatever is causing him to allow our contact to fade. So many things in life go wrong. Occasionally multiple things go haywire all at the same time painting terrible pictures that instill deep agonizing pain. Some of the time it is a scenario that seems absolutely unbelievable. Sometimes it is simply a piece of technology that doesn't work, batteries do die, the internet doesn't work everywhere, or service providers are working on their networks causing havoc for my heart but in truth no real danger exists. Sometimes, most of the time distractions simply get in the way and priorities must adapt. In truth I don't always get what I want, or what I need when I need it. Sometimes, God forbid, life is taken before I have a chance to say good-bye.
Actions or the lack there of are beginning to take their toll. I am learning new lessons in loving someone, new needs to let go and learn a different type of patience. I must wait and see what the architectural plan is that is unfolding here. I don't know what's on his mind or what is happening. All I can do is love him and pray for the best.
My hope is that I will retain hopes for us, that the answers time provide will be to my liking eventually even if my desires are unfulfilled. I know only this, I love him from the inside out. That love will never die only evolve whether together or separately. I am not long on patience by nature and less it seems in my heart when I'm in love. I have however learned that love has its own patience, a will to sit back and watch everything unfold, take it all in before making a fully informed decision. At some point the silence will reach a conclusion, my love will draw the line of self-preservation in the act of letting him go.
I've never been one to beg, cajole or plead for something my partner refuses to do, or give. I take people as I find them because it is the best way I know how to stay healthy emotionally and keep my life moving forward. Sure I present my point as skilled as any debater but I will not force it, at least not since I learned how to be assertive as a fully actualized adult, a woman and a mother. I'm clear and succinct with my feelings and my needs, knowing full well my partner may not want to hear it or agree. I declare my limits and boundaries for they have saved me; they protect me, ensure my integrity remains clear and clean, and they keep me from harm's way, at least the worst of it. They keep the waters of my life crystal clear and inviting. If I take someone as I find them I am safe because I learn exactly who they are and where they fit with me. I can take hurt feelings, live with them, own them, forgive them and move on. I hate feeling hurt, being hurt! I hate worse inflicting pain upon someone else! I will however not hesitate to defend myself or enforce the consequences of violating my boundaries knowing full well his feelings will be hurt. My life is sacred. I will never let go of that truth or the fact that I see 'all life' as sacred. I will fight to the death for a life, not just for my own. In having done this I learned all life is worth fighting for. Sometimes it is best to stop fighting and let the chips fall where they may. Some things in life, like being right, aren't worth fighting for. They aren't worth my time much less my effort. I don't need to be right. I only need to be and to learn.
Being me is all I know how to do, what I do best, and that means loving with all of my heart and soul, all of my body, my mind and spirit. Knowing that love is what I do best, what I was literally made to be able to do better than anything else in my life, showed me that it also means I will be hurt. It will often not be on purpose but there will be tremendous pain. Only some people will intentionally hurt me. Sometimes I'll never know the why behind it and sometimes I will. I stopped needing to answer the question 'why or why me' many years ago. Ever since then I search only for understanding. I ask questions of myself like, what can I learn, how did this happen and how can I apply what I've learned, what do I need to change in me. I look outside the box, think far broader, see all sides of the issue I know of, search for new perspectives and grant the benefit of the doubt when it is necessary. Recently I've also learned to say to myself, 'why not me' because I have learned what it is to be human is to deserve to be loved and treated with the respect real healthy love demands the actions from all of us. Because I know love so well and what it demands of me I know how to live that way, acting from love's dictations, not desire's. Only recently did deserving make sense to me.
Love has its own unique signature of behaviors. When they are there love is the real deal. When they aren't there the person that says they love you either is lying or doesn't know what love is, or is incapable of living love. The fact remains love is determined more by actions than by words. The only question is what's the language each person is using to mean 'I love you". When I know the language they speak I know how to make them feel loved. I know my own love language and what I need to feel it and I'm fearless to speak it and show my partner. It's simply too important to be afraid of doing that even though it is a risk. Sometimes this makes me feel very vulnerable because I know I'm giving them the ammunition to hurt me if they so choose to. This is simply part of the risks in intimacy and loving someone, risks I gladly embrace.
I have thrown all the right tosses to preserve the love I appear to share with my very special man. I'm holding onto that rope waiting and watching intently for any sign he will or will not grab on. It is breaking my heart as time passes but I know my prayers are being answered. It appears that I won't like the answer I'm getting as our communication fades and he is getting farther and farther away.
I'll be fine because I always am. I can live without him. I can love him and never speak to him or see him again. I have to verbally remind myself of this, talk out loud to myself. I deserve that from myself. Everyone I have ever loved is right here with me right now and in every moment. I have lost them all to death but 3 wonderful best friends. This life of mine has been a grand ride, an adventure of a lifetime! I want it to last, need it to last. I need my life to have more quality and joy. If not I'll simply treasure every instant I have had and be a better wiser woman than I was. My tears will fade and in time they will dry. Alas this will be a deep scar that will take a long time to heal.
"Isn't it preparation on the road map of your life?"
"For what?" I asked my dearest friend.
The compassion in her dark eyes ever so slightly hidden by the rim of her glasses reached out to me. "This is the kind of pain that is preparation for the next one, the right one."
It could very well be. As I thought about it and let her warmth envelope my aching heart I decided by its inner soft promptings to bluntly ask him what the silence means, what he needs while allowing him to know my love is a certainty, because I want to respect what he needs. My only plea is to be honest with me.
