The Chambers of My Heart

by Aashdoda

© April 20, 2011

       In the deep quiet of the night I realized as I laid alone I was naked and helpless to stop what was happening to me.  I didn't want it to stop yet part of me still wondered if all the cobwebs in my life born of tragedy had in fact been swept clean, scoured with intensity and passion to heal so no trace could return to interfere with my end goal, the two way street of love.  My fear was unsettling as I thought over the numerous hurdles I'd surmounted and those I know lie in my path for any intimate relationship to truly thrive.  I would always have work to do on my relationships, on myself, in my communication to be ultimately emotionally healthy.  It is my job to ensure my life is what I set out to make it, a shinning beacon of hope that with God all things are possible.  Waiting upon Him time and again, praying until I was so exhausted I couldn't remember falling asleep in His arms, always with stark honesty that filled me with tears, then finally collapsing in the tenderness of His love it had cleansed my life and literally remade me from the foundation up.  Certain conversations and boundaries to keep me safe must be declared firmly with resolution and softly as the woman I have become wears the trademark of her femininity generously open to all God wants me to know.  I've learned what I do deserve.  I have grown from agony to a peaceful serenity people are constantly telling me they are drawn to.  My truest success in life achieved and it is also the gift of myself I freely share, an ear that thoughtfully listens as I put myself in their shoes, lessons learned, frailties, everything that's made me who I am.  I exuded the mark of the one that has done her work to be not only authentic but at peace with all that is including the horrific worst possible past a woman can have, a childhood of slavery, torture in every form, murder, and unspeakable acts of violence and inhumanity.

       I am in point of fact more naked now than I have ever been.  It is frighteningly wondrous, mind boggling, and fulfilling all at the same time.  I never fear being naked only the ridicule I've experienced that cut so deep and took so long to heal.  Always it was the words that hurt the most.  It robbed me of adventures in that seeming wasteland of confusion and pain.  It stole time from me and far better memories that might have been.  Still I learned my lessons.

      

       The chambers of my heart hold fierce love and sorrow with and without regret.  It is a place I am most proud of because when I discovered how sacred it is I saw this is where I want to live and learn, the place to have my being.  It is the perspectives of love I want to see with, challenge myself with, and open to all that is.  There are many chambers, all of which are joined mysteriously.  Only this one concerns me most especially now.  The name on the door is "Diamond in The Rough".

       As the heavy solidly built door in all its simplicity yet old castle style opens, what appears to be hinges that should squeak and squeal at the time never make a sound.  They are well tended and lubricated to work easily, the work of healthiness meticulously attended.  Inside this room there is no furniture or wall mountings, no knickknacks or paintings.  There is however an especially clean smell with abundant sun.  The brightening light fills all the open space.  There are faint shadows on the wall where old pictures hung once upon a time though somewhat faded now so they blend in as though the room had received a fresh cleaning just the hour before.  The shadows remind me of the places I have been in this room and where I intend to go.  They are hints of ghosts both good and sad,  memories of how little the room had ever been shared for fear of what would happen if I dared allow anyone to know this precious sacred place of intimacy.  The years had made me tough, harder and more capable than any woman would expect to become, more independent and adaptable than anyone would dream while I kept this sacred place hidden and protected from the onslaught of would be destroyers.  Until I was ready I could only see the destroyers.  I did not know what to do but keep this door securely secret and locked until I had the skills of boundaries and the strength of time honored lessons that build wisdom to know how to use them to keep this place intact with all of its lingering memories, most never spoken aloud.  It took time to learn to trust myself that no matter what happens in my life I will be ok, it will just take a little time.  The treasured memories that reside here for most of my life were all I had.

       One day it was simply no longer enough to wait for "someday" for my life to begin.  My amazing loving animals were no longer enough.  The furniture had to go.  Out with the old, in with the new despite my pensive nature it was all I could think.  It was time to make room for a woman's needs and desires that deserved to be met.  New things need to have a place to reside, and in time placement fulfilled.  This place deserved new memories of joy and wonder, and the fulfillment of love at its very best.

       The soft shadows are nothing to fear for they were lessons that taught me how to open my heart, allow the chambers within to be visited and shared, finally helping me to open myself up to all that life had to give held in trust for when I was ready.  In these chambers I have lived alone half a century now.  For 50 years it has been my end goal to fill this room and let the intimacy here move me into the chambers of one man that understands both heartache and joy, wonder and friendship, and is willing to work for and with the two way street of love.  Many a time I could not bear the pain of walking near this door knowing how unfilled and empty the room was.  The day I cleared this place I still didn't know how to believe I could have what I was seeking, where in all the world I would find a man that wanted to be my hero as much as I wanted to be his.   Would I ever have a reason to share this key?  Would any man ever find it without my telling him where to look?  Even if he did would I let him pass over the threshold?  The answers simply had to be 'yes' but I knew it was up to me to be ready for it, clean it and prepare it to receive him, and put myself out there in this world that once was so scary and allow him to find me.  The time for this challenge to stretch myself and see what I could do was at hand.  I would not shrink now.

       In the shinning intimacy of this room no clothes are allowed.  I stand stark naked basking in the rays of love that demand how I act.  It dictates all of my actions demanding only the best I have within to give, acting as a hero or being silent and listening.  Once I visited this room I discovered what I knew when I was born.  I lost sight of the truth through the pain and torment that was my life, finally losing all light when my children were killed.  The truth hit me, I loved myself.  I was Divinely made and inspired to love myself.  It was the first step.  If I could only reach inside and pull that back to me, hold onto it again, this room was not going to remain empty much longer.  I dedicated myself to finding a way to have reasons, concrete visible tangible reasons I loved myself.  I stood in front of a mirror every day and took one moment and finally two and three, then a minute to admire what I saw, who I was, and what I had inside of me to give.  At first I didn't realize it was simply gratitude though in time that simple act would permeate my life.  In the beginning there was only liking, then one day that love came back home to my mind.  I will never let it go again.  That love was the warmth of the security blanket of my heart, though it hung quietly in another chamber, it found its way back to me as though an angel lifted it off the hook and brought it to wrap me in once more.  I know who I am, why I am here, what my job is, and what my talents are.  Deep inside I truly knew all the answers I needed.  I only had to listen closely to the breeze that carried life giving oxygen within speaking to me what it was I needed to do next.  In that moment I knew without a doubt love from another was not far away, healthy abiding love as pure as a baby is absolutely innocent and perfect in every way.

       I am the key to the door of intimacy called "A Diamond in The Rough".  Every path in my heart leads me to this core room, in fact each room joins it out of necessity, a lesson that I wanted to understand the clarity of.  I made my life inside these chambers of my heart, once in secret but never again.  Now I give what I have within me to others.  Still more often than not while living alone without another soul to talk to I did not go inside this door for there was no need to.  I lived the life of love, obeyed it's behaviors but this room was too quiet for me. 

       When I started online dating suddenly I was swimming in responses to my profile, no games, just purely me in all honesty.  With playful abandon I opened a window inside my heart for fresh air and there he was the answer to all the years of my prayers.  It was he that led me hand in hand to this door as though he always knew the way.  His masculine hands in mine confidently firm, holding me ever so tenderly and close to him he paused to see if I would open the door.  He knew I was the key but it was his heart that understood how deeply I needed to be the one to let him in, make my way to him.  He told me we have to hold on to the love we have when it shows up.  He knew instantaneously there was no other woman for him, no one else that would erase his pain by fulfilling his needs and desires with a heart that understood where he's been, respect and honor, protect and cherish it as I do my own.  This was moving almost too sudden for me, certainly to feel comfort.  Like everyone on this earth he too had his fears, the one stinging most I heard him say was that I would leave him.  The more often he said it the more I felt uneasy as if he was telling me he had baggage still with him.

     Risk is part of my path or there is no growth, no change, no opportunity for wonder and success, no hope of the love I live for.  This room is all of me and it has always had a place for him because as I took his words so sweetly spoken into the privacy of my heart this door clicked for the first time as I walked by.  It called to me and when I looked inside the light was dancing as I'd never seen before like St. Elmo's Fire and the Northern and Southern lights all rolled into one.  I held onto his certainty and strength and told him my inner most fears.  He let me cry and be afraid hoping his heart would not be shattered one more time until I was through.  Embracing me softly with every one of his words saying, all will be revealed, that I need no longer fear because he was coming for me, I caught a glimpse of something new in the corner of this room.  Suddenly like the end of a rainbow after a soothing spring shower I saw a pot of gold brimming over with diamonds and jewels.  The clouds of the past truly are gone so the treasure could be revealed.  I find myself cheerfully inviting him in, over the threshold.  We pause for a moment as my knight, surely in my eyes a king, I declare this sanctuary open for his every pleasure in me.

        I have no care that it happened or that I am naked.  I care only that it did happen, that he is here in all his wonderful masculinity naked with me.  Love has seized the day and made this diamond in the rough a sparkling jewel to behold.  We are a priceless pair for only he could have known what this rough stone really was beneath the milky surface of my fears.  Not because he is a geologist but because he sees me as I am, has been there, sees me thru the eyes of love's truth.  He is a scientist therefore by nature not blinded by what he wants me to be.  He weighs the data to know who and what I am and discerns what I am made of.  Facts are his friend for they tell the real story. Where to find me and how to get past my resistance was the hard part.

       In this chamber with his love I recognize that he is a sparkling diamond himself with many facets etched by time and polished crystal clear from his own painful heat.  As his heartfelt words refract the light breaking it into every brilliant color there is I am moved by the simplicity of his words always so direct and clear.  I'm here baby, he says warmly in a sexy deep voice, I will never betray you.  In some ways I wonder how he knows me so well.  In another I know I carry an ocean of surprises waiting to be discovered just as he is my wonderful mystery I long each moment to unfold.  We belong in the light shinning.  We belong to happiness, the sated sweet happiness of love!

       Still I have one nagging thought, is this man for real?  Am I missing something, too lonely to see clearly?  It is what I need to hear but he can't know where I've been that set in motion the fact it is much more than a need to hear, it has to be real.

       This wonderful blessed place, this is now my home.  From here all things are possible.  From here all wonder is revealed.  In this place I have learned that I needed him to polish the diamond in the rough simply by letting him in.  As I allow him to be who he is in his truest depth so too will I become more of the woman I was born to be.  The love we share will dazzle and hone my surface revealing my facets and the uniqueness of the cuts that have made me the woman I'm proud to have become.  Step by step as we learn about each other, giving and receiving, the new furniture is built and the room redecorated.  It's like a dream, perfect in every way with every tiny nick it is love's best work.  Now I feel like I am at long last home.  I can hardly wait for each moment we share to see what next is built, where it takes us, what joys are in store, and what this home will finally be.  There is no illusion here.  I know we will have our challenges.  Since I've never done anything but overcome what seemed impossible, with God's help and grace, I believe there is simply no end to the wonder in here.

       He will have to choose what he wants.  I won't choose for him.  I've made my choice to see where this leads, hold onto the love that came my way.  All I have ever done is pray for and love "the one" when he was nothing but a hope and promise, my fervent prayer of love.  I want more for him than I want for myself even now.  It just appears that love has something in store for both of us beyond imagination or expectation.  We must simply choose to follow the path to its conclusion one step at a time.

       We work hard, we pray, we hope, and dream then in the end we love like there is no tomorrow.  All I know for sure is that the best is yet to come.  My heart is full for I finally know my prayers have been answered in the time that makes the answer best.  All these long years I waited for what was best, held out for standards of love above reproach in a man of solid integrity and positive character, a man filled with loving kindness that dictates his actions.  Now here I am with exactly what I knew I'd have and it's so much better because the timing and my heart are at long last all right with the fact that all good things come to those whom wait.  No one ever says the other part, it takes work on yourself, loving work that's hard and challenging, and in the end rewarding to be ready to meet the one ready for me.  All my love is by choice with my eyes wide open.  The purest joy this moment brings, even I a writer can't find words to paint the masterpiece of wonder inside of me. 

       I sought with my heart, my eyes wide open and now I am found.  Indeed, I am the most blessed woman on this earth!  In the chambers of my heart I found my greatest inspiration, truly I am home naked as can be.  I find myself wondering isn't that what was always meant to be?