The Kiss of The Unknown

by Aashdoda

© June 14, 2011

          The kiss of the unknown is a very hard thing to savor sometimes when it is messing with my love life because someone thinks it is right to take my identity and pretend they are me to my love, then take his and do it to me.  They try to extort money, manipulate, fabricate heart wrenching stories just to get what they want, more money!  It may not be personal to them but to me it is very personal.

          I've never been a woman to be trifled with and as I age far less so.

          "Get a job!  Get a life!" I snap back knowing that's the only way anyone gets anywhere in this world.  "You want something then go earn it."  I understood this at age 8.  I went and got my first job throwing newspapers so I could afford to buy jeans my mother wouldn't because she told me we didn't have the money.  It was so elementary to me it was like adding 1+1 in school and it equaled the action of responsibility.

          Being responsible for my own need to have a warm pair of jeans was my first experience with learning that I was responsible for what I do and do not do.  I saw that I could do without them and be cold or have the jeans I wanted and stay warmer on the long 2 mile trek to and then again from school every day.  Colorado's cold isn't the most unforgiving around, no moisture to speak of most of the time makes it milder than most climates however, there are days that isn't the case especially when the snow was up over my knees.  I simply saw no need to suffer because I had the will to change it, no need to whine or feel sorry for myself.  I saw no need to argue about it with my mother.  She had clothed me the best she could but the pants I had were hand-me-downs and thread bare unlike the ones I wanted.  I simply saw that I could change the situation if I applied myself and did it.

          I had no reason to disbelieve my mother and every reason to help myself.  In fact that was a long standing joke in my family because I was all but born saying, "I myself."  Stomping my tiny 16 month old foot in protest because I wanted to tie my own shoes like everyone else, never mind the fact I hadn't a clue how.

          In the process of life I have found that it is paramount to be responsible for what energy I am creating and bringing into this world.  In life I am either corrupting or blessing every situation and everyone I touch.  I'm not a victim so scams are lost on me early in the game.  I live by feel and I know when I'm being played even by the best.  The subtlest lie leaves a faint smell of stench I've grown up with and I recognize it anywhere.  The hardest place to catch it is on the internet because most of human communication is nonverbal which betrayers feelings are able to keep carefully hidden behind a distant computer screen.

          The internet is nothing but the unknown, throw a heart into the mix hoping to look only to for the love of a like minded soul to spend time with, something that can grow into a relationship and hopefully find that special someone to grow old with, and suddenly without warning your ISP is hacked, your conversations hijacked and I find myself in the darkest place I've known in years.  I'm flying blind!  I hate it but this is what our world has come to, the stage between the real honest communication between two people and the growing technological seam popping of progress where upon the improvements haven't caught up to creating that perfect environment where real honest communication can't be faked, barring of course the choice to lie.

          Lies are so much more than a slippery slope.  They cause the liar to slip and slid and struggle to remember the details if it's going to be convincing but the fact they are tearing their own soul apart in the process is the real tragedy.  Every lie is a paper cut to the spirit and soul, some eventually festering with infections that are hard to stop.  In time the tissue itself will rot and fall off, disintegrating the limbs one by one until it's too late.

        At 8 I figured it out, responsibility was simply an act of responding, choosing how I wanted to act.  Reacting is a gut level response without thought, without choice put into action.  Often desire is a great motivation to react without thought or care to someone else's feelings and situation.  Reactions can be both good and bad but generally I see them as uninformed ignorance or choice to be ignorant and thoughtless.  The only time reactions are helpful to me are those born of my already predetermined by conscious considerable choice how I have chosen to live my life with healthy and appropriate boundaries, enforcers of those boundaries.  Cross those boundaries and I will react with a verbal declaration to go no further or..., that is when I lay out the consequences of proceeding further and reveal my considerable powers of will and action that will in fact enforce the undesired conclusion.  I'm tough and hard if I have to be, far more than any diamond thought it could be.

        I have been a woman scammer's seem to think is a push over on the internet.  I am as kind and nice, thoughtfully soft and womanly nurturing, as I appear to be.  I don't have a desperate bone in my body.  Living alone is a pleasure of its own though not knowing me they can't begin to size me up, I am a woman after all.  Cross me however and my mother's instincts and survival mode or self preservation will instantly kick in and I am a bear to deal with.  I will play with them just to see how far they intend to take the game, waste their time and efforts before I slam them much harder than they could ever see coming.  Mess with my heart and I will not let that go. 

        I never mess with other people's hearts or affections.  I live the Golden Rule and I never expect to be treated any other way than honestly.  The heart is a primal place no one should ever be cruel or dismissive, nor betray the confidence of intimacy established.  I believe it to be one of the most heartless things a person can do is to betray anothers trust, because it betrays the entire relationship and leaves scars that sometimes go so much deeper than is possible to know.  Why knowingly or unknowingly destroy someone because you think, and think is the operative word here, they have something you want?  Love in particular doesn't come along every day.  It is the most incredible blessing I have ever known and been honored to experience, a sacred treasure beyond anything that can be described.

        As I've waded into the internet dating scene looking for companionship with the potential hope for something more to grow out of a basic healthy relationship I realize that the kiss of the unknown is immensely sweet or devastatingly sour.  It has been my unfortunate experience to have tasted the sour of life so much more than I've known sweetness.  Websites have tools at their disposal to make this kiss of the unknown much safer for all of us yet they still do not use them, statistics tools that track IP's from the country of origin.  All it would do is tell those of us looking if the person is in fact telling the truth or not at the beginning.  It is a very sad commentary on humanity that we still need to govern some people's behavior.  At least this would give many or us a real chance to find the real thing.

        Even so the loneliness in my heart says give love one more try.  Just because a few apples in the barrel are rotten to the core, spoiled and nasty, doesn't mean the entire barrel is a waste.  The kiss of the unknown lives in my memory now just as it always has with both agony and ecstasy.  I simply choose to look hopefully toward the later mindful of the former and the games that reveal which I'll find under certain circumstances.

        I am in awe of the human spirit and it's resilience!  The eternal optimist I am perhaps I have more resilience than I ever dreamt.

        Here's to love and to life!  I plan on getting the best of everything I can, earning it.  I will learn when it hurts, and I'll kiss every toad I must to find one special enough to keep here beside me that wants me for the same reasons.  Rotten apples aside, love is worth the risk, the pain and the fear of the unknown kiss.

Lightening Strikes Twice

by Aashdoda

©June 12, 2011

          Just when I thought I'd regained my equilibrium I decided that once burned in dating doesn't mean I always will be.  I chose to put myself out there.  This means that I have to trust the person on the other end of the computer screen, or the other side of the table.  I waded in cautiously and built my profile both from the stance of the truth about who I am and from a place of tender bruises that were healing well from time and the work of lessons learned.  I kept wondering, what does it feel like letting go to the right man, the right healthy kind of love?  I could see it but not quite feel it but this was my goal, had been as I healed a lifetime of traumas.  To love with all my heart and soul one special good and kind man of integrity was always my end goal.  I was not about to give up now just from bruises and all.

          Loneliness it turns out is nothing more than a motivation to move me to put myself out there again.  It isn't as bad of a state of mind feeling it's pangs tugging on me as I used to think.  Yes, it is annoying and some of the time very frustrating but the fact remains it isn't the worst thing in the world.  I've already live through that twice, my children dying.  Nothing compares to that!  I will however, never discount someone else's feelings on the subject because their pain is theirs and it may feel worse to them never having lived what I have.  At some point pain is just pain and hurt is just a part of life none can escape.  I'll say this, it has been my teacher more than I care to be it's pupil.

          I left room in my profile for fun and laughter, my soul state of mind and being, and of course an invitation to flirt and find himself captivated.  I am at the core fun loving and filled with joy, in part thanks to my children, and enormously because that is simply how God made me.  I am in case of point a bubble still looking for a place to land and happen!  I love life and am grateful for any moment I get because if nothing else I learn and grow and change to be more of whom I was always intended to become.  I gave the roulette wheel of love a good spin with a lot of heartfelt prayers asking God that if He truly wanted me to find someone to share my life with I was trusting Him to be the one that would bring the man he had designed for me into my path.  This way this man couldn't resist my profile or my picture and if God wanted to keep me all to Himself it let room for His Divine will.  Now I knew this also meant that if I wasn't truly ready, or if he wasn't, there was the outside possibility nothing at all would happen.  It meant I might be meant to stay God's and His alone.  The only thing I couldn't imagine was that God kept giving me desires, if not to meet them then I needed to find out why they were there.  It was possible I'd meet someone that had some profound lesson for me to learn, perhaps only that.  I know without any doubt I can survive anything and I trust God, the Universe, karma or whatever someone else wants to call it to always see me through my life's circumstances whether they are horribly bad, mediocre or wonderfully good.  So I sucked it up gathered all my courage to put myself out there, as Dr. Phil says, into "a target rich environment".  Spinning that wheel wasn't hard just nerve wracking because I had also prayed nothing at all would happen, not a single hit if I was meant to stop dating and leave this alone.

          Immediately within less than one minute 2 pings came in, words of interest, especially kind and thoughtful too.  By the end of two and a half days 78 hits and many emails landed in my inbox.  I was overwhelmed with joy for my answer being so clear.  I was also reticent at the scammers that were obviously interested in playing with me, so I edited my profile and made it clear that I'm not a one night stand woman, a hook up, or about to fall for a scammer.  I literally told those men to "take a short walk off a really high cliff", having already had to nurse a broken heart from one so recently I seduced into revealing himself.  When he tipped his cards I had him thanks to Blogger.com's statistic's tools that tracked him to Nigeria.  The insult to my intelligence had been my last straw, last red flag as if waving it in front of an already agitated bull. 

          I will say this, I learned a lot about dating and red flags from that venture.  Trusting my gut instinct is paramount in dating, and I believe in relationships too in order to tend the garden they are attentively.  Now the whisper of one reddish flag heightens my keen sensibilities and I get hard, cautious not to sound it but I command facts I can check, re-check and verify.  The safety of my life and my heart deserves it.  I don't care if it hurts feelings, I will not willingly be an idiot and/or a victim.  I would rather be wrong and seriously have some contrite apologizing to do than be scammed again and left with a broken heart.  I learned how words can seduce my heart into starting feelings I want to pursue.  The feelings are universal we all search for and hope one day will come home to us, love the most basic and primal of all.  Scammers know this and prey upon us and our emotions.  I will not however allow my head to leave the dance floor without knowing all I can that will keep me safe.  I look directly into the face of desires that try to blind me and refuse them fulfillment until I know it is the real deal.  I'd rather stop and change partners than ignore the warnings that tell me to run.  I need the truth so much more!

          With my answer that God wants me to take this journey further I started answering emails and sending a few of my own.  Rejection at this stage isn't personal.  Dating on the internet is literally like life, a numbers game to search for compatibility before looking to stop and find out about all that's there.  Loneliness, I was proud of myself, was never part of the process just the vehicle to get me started.

          Witty remarks and flirtatiousness abounded.  Then it happened!  Lighten struck me as one profile rose above all the others.  A face that was warm and genuinely kind literally spoke to me a whisper my very soul could not ignore.  My heart lept as I read his profile and was moved by his tenderness of heart.  The fact his interests aligned with mine so readily amazed me.  It was all the little things in life he was looking for, the quality of a mature woman that lives from the perspective of love's true behaviors.  It was as my best friend said, "Like reading what you would write!"  I was surprised he lived a 1,000 miles away so I waited a day to think about whether or not I wanted to respond.  Still nursing bruises I wasn't keen on it again with all the complications distance brings.  Being able to see someone on a regular basis should he be interested was important to me.  Long distance relationships hurt too much for my taste, worse they can make me keep my distance emotionally because being out of sight can be out of my mind.  It's not intentional on my part but I know it can happen and I didn't want that for someone I cared enough to date especially if there was more there.  I found myself wondering if it was the right man would he slip from my mind?  That may or may not be unique to me, all I know is that it isn't fair to anyone least of all our hearts.  I won't play with anyone's heart because it always leads to hurt.  I won't cause it and I won't tolerate it when others do it to me.  Yes, I live by the golden rule because I am responsible for what I put out knowing it will come back.  Were I to fall for him the distance would hurt all the more knowing I have no way to change my circumstances that keep me right where I am.  Then the surprise of my life happened, lightning struck twice, he contacted me!

          All I could do was melt and say, "OH BOY!  I started this God, now HELP ME!" 

          I had no idea what was in store for me only that he had been up front and honest about where he was at the moment that unfortunately was one of the big red flags scammers say, he was out of the country on business.  The difference that didn't escape me was that he wrote it in his profile the one thing a scammer won't do.  Scammers choose careers that take them out of the USA, often professional careers like a geologist working for major oil companies but when pinned down for specifics they lie all too obviously or avoid the question.  They give American phone numbers so a reverse trace is useless unless it hits in the wrong city from what's said.  They can be readily tripped up on details if you give it time and keep at them.  Here is a good test of a scammer, learn about their career and find a joke to make and see if they get it.  I told the first scammer I encountered innocently joking he liked rocks in his pockets, which is what a geologist specializes in, earth and minerals.  He never got it but tried to gloss over it.  This man however was as upfront as could be.  This man wasn't avoiding anything.  He was speaking his truth and that is what is never lost on me. 

          Here I am waiting to meet him, literally corresponding at all hours of the day and night trying to learn what we can about each other only the distance is killing us both.  Feelings are growing, desire is rearing its head demanding attention yet it is impossible for the time being.  Obstacles are painful but the internet with distance in the mix, particularly Africa is problematic because their internet service is very unreliable, therefore so are phones.   

      

      So how do I know how to let myself feel?  I don't.  I do or I don't feel something.  Listening is an art.   All I know is what I feel and what frightens me, bring it up to him, be bluntly honest, hope and pray like he says he does, and I trust him in steps with my heart.  Just as he appears to be we both await the inevitable meeting, with fears and great anticipation as we discover each other.  When the emotion runs high for me I simply bring it all back to him and ask him for help regaining my footing in our situation.  Because he gives me specifics about himself, things I know only a man of his profession would know about, terms, procedures, all kinds of things I settle down into the peaceful wonderment of knowing just how real he is.  That is only part of what makes my feelings grow for him.  It is the consistency of his behaviors toward me that are loving, understanding, thoughtful and considerate that have led me to find myself slipping into a dream based in reality that has the sweet scent of his integrity.  I give him the same in return with glimpses into me born of honesty.  Many a time I'm sure he's laughing because I can't help being just a little twisted with my humor, after all I am a woman and a writer so that makes me curious and full of trouble.  Oh yes, I have a wild side too.  If I can't be good as my best friends says, "Then be your BEST!"

        Walking around these days everyone asks me what's happened, why I look so different but only a few have pegged me on sight saying I've met someone.  I have a smile from ear to ear but I'm different.  I've struggled not to jump the gun and assume anything but my heart is simply having its way with me.

          The loudest crack of thunder rolled through me when his precious little girl, 10 years old with only a child's truthfulness talked shyly to me last night.  "I really want to meet you," she said pulling every heart string I have.  I told her I wanted to meet her too, very much.  Without missing a beat she straight out said, "I think my daddy is in love with you!"  Her exclamation point went right thru me.  I gasped glad I was a several thousand miles away at this moment behind a computer screen.  I was startled and taken back for a moment but found the words to ask her with great concern how she felt about that.  She said she was glad to see her daddy happy.  Little did she have a clue the reverberations of shock waves coursing through me had utterly taken me completely off balance.

          I walked the floor for a few moments until he would come back as she said bye.  "Oh, Lord!"  I began to say out loud still feeling her innocent truthful observation, thinking how out of the mouth of babe's comes the most profound of all truth.  The internet pinged and I found myself rushing back in thoughts out loud listening only halfway to my voice ask, "Does she know that I lo..v..e.., him?"  

          My hand suddenly covered my mouth as I gasped for air that would not come.

          My own words stopped me cold in my tracks!  That sacred 4 letter word I rarely share escaped readily like lava from a volcano exploding.

          Suddenly I knew I was in love and it took the innocence of a child free of the baggage of life to show me.  He asked what she had said so I told him.  He tried to make light of it saying how crazy kids are but the way he wrote told me he was feeling it too, just as afraid as I was to say it.  We both had concerns it happened so fast and on the internet.  "Can this be real?" we both were asking, feeling a long road battered by life yet so wanting the fairy tale dream to be our reality.

          The next morning I wrote him a long email telling him all the things I was feeling, taking a chance revealing my heart intimately.  I told him it was her innocent truthful observation that forced me to have the clarity I needed to understand why I was struggling with my emotions tossing me all over the map.  What I was trying to suppress simply can't be denied.  "I love you!" I found myself saying but what's more the feelings were filling the fountain of life within me to overflowing wonder that kept on going.

          Even now I don't know how it happened over the internet.  I only know it did.  I have time to get to know his heart, so loving and gentle, full of tender kindness and compassion, wisdom and deep quiet waters of passion that run far beneath the surface where his words are both milk and honey.  It is however his integrity that has made this so easy, down right simple for me to let go and love him.  The best thing in the world happened when I took this chance to tell him how I feel, though I was falling and he was too, we landed together and held on.

          Lightning really does strike twice in the very same spot.  This time I am the most blessed woman on this earth and in the entire universe!!!  This time he's no scammer but a man in love with me!  I find myself loving him more every day seeing so many things through his eyes that make me smile a smile like no other.  I sing for no reason whatsoever tunes I've never heard, and I can't stop writing even if I wanted to.  He is my love and my inspiration!  Indeed, love is GRAND!

The Heart Break of Betrayal

by Aashdoda

© May 25, 2011

          What do you do when you find out that the one you came to believe loved you betrays you?  What do I do when you discover it was all a cleverly camouflaged set of intricate lies meant to deceive me?

          I find a heavy sigh laden with tears tearing out from inside the deepest recesses of my heart.  My chest feels squeezed in a vice as the pain literally radiates like a spear clear through to my spine.  My throat begins to feel tightened by the large grapefruit sized lump of painful emotions pushing toward expression.  My mind races to calculate my safety factor before I can ever let myself go.  A lifetime of the worst betrayals imaginable have taught me to be ultimately cautious of whom is within ear shot of my pain.  At this point I cannot allow just anyone to know me as intimately as I feel, more than naked, flayed in my exposure.  I have to decide how to let myself have my feelings, now or hold off, and listen to what my inner promptings are telling me I will need in order to go through the onslaught of the flood coming the dam in my mind will hold only so long before PTSD will crack it. 

          If all is well in my own personal space, all too often isolation, I will retreat to a dark place in my house, or go climb to the highest spot I can find on a mountain side and hide.  It is frequently now the sacred cocoon of my bedroom, curtains closed quickly, windows as well or else I'll crank the fan on the air conditioner in the window during summer, and blast some music from my computer to soothe the savage beast approaching.  I know it won't help at the moment but the time for it will come.  Music has saved my life before so I know the time will come that I will need it.  The sounds I feel rumbling can easily strike terror though I have learned once safe I can let it be only fear, let myself cry and feel until it transforms itself.

          Deeper into the dark abyssal I go never knowing if there's another monster to confront or a stone was left unturned.  Sobs and heaves take over my entire body just as a child when they look up in a stroller or car seat and they scream from heart wrenching disappointment.  As a mother I know the need to let the feelings be just as they are.  I also know to bring comfort in a soothing touch to remind the little one inside of me that it will be alright but for now just cry it out.  It feels shattering as even more darkness, that of self-doubt approaches.  No, I tell myself, you didn't deserve this, you did nothing wrong.  The fears and insecurities of a lifetime all seem to bleed into this one moment.

          I buckle the instant my world is secure, sometimes even before I manage to slip my shoes off.  Like a monsoon there is no holding the rising waters only more and more rain of emotion and pain.  The past and present bleed together.  The present triggers the past and the past triggers the present as a deep guttural wail finally escapes me the instant my motherly voice speaks the words I need to hear, "It is alright now, I am here."  There is no life raft, no flotation device, no one to save me much less be a soft place to fall.  There are only waves of anguish that toss me about like a leaf on the ocean rolling out to sea.  Because of my past the landscape is riddled with coral the waves thrash me upon literally tearing through the thin layers of my being as effortlessly as if I were made of rice paper.  It is no longer necessary for me to calculate.  It's paramount for me to just feel, ride each wave ever mindful which pain I'm crying, sorting and sifting and praying all at the same time to keep what I'm feeling just a feeling and stay in the moment.

          It isn't pretty but it works for me.  Life feels so cruel but I know that's a perception born of time that was never meant to teach me this.  This is simply part of the process of life and dating, deception that can lead to heartbreak.  Mine, I never take that well, certainly not in stride for I have lived and seen far too much to make this anything less than what it is, excruciating pain!  Time is my friend though in the throes of anguish comfort comes only from knowing I will submerge as the waves throw me around and dash me against rocks from the past while crying for the loss that has gashed me to the bone and sometimes deeper, fighting to breath will just take longer.  When I submit to my circumstances like a drowning person, eventually I have learned, I will rise back to the surface following the bubbles of my breath.  The harder I fight the less my surroundings can support me because I'm fighting the Universe that was designed to support me.  In the end if I let myself simply feel then the fight is no longer necessary.  The natural buoyancy of raging emotion will ebb and flow with the tides and bring me to the surface again and again until at last it is done.  

      I will lay quietly bobbing up and down feeling everything inside of me, my prayers at last answered.  The storm is past and it is time to rest.  As I ask of God only to stay, not let go, He always comforts me with the sound of His tender mercy and gracious compassions.  I will drift all the way into sleep holding fast to the connection of our souls.  There the part of me that just is one with Him I can still feel.  Even when I can't feel Him that part is there reminding me He didn't go anywhere, I'm just not ready to listen.

          My humanity cries for the soul of the one I loved though he lied to me about who he was, lied about his feelings, and in point of fact lied to do nothing but try to steal money from me.  His delusion I can give him what I don't have is hubris and pathetic.  What hurts isn't just what he did, what he said, or lied about.  What hurts is what could have been, the very best thing he'd ever know.  The fact his behavior is literally destroying his very soul and he doesn't even care bothers me but it is his choice.

          I don't know how to love someone with conditions, except for healthiness.  I either love them with all that I am or I don't.  There is no halfway.  There is no deception in my love for it demands the very best within me I have to give.  I will reach out, do little things every day, all day to make the man I love know he is truly and deeply loved.  I will shoot the moon, bag the stars for him, and serve him with respect.  I will also stand up, be noticed and command healthy respect of my own.  I will trust until I see I dare no longer do so.  My love is healthy and it has boundaries because I love myself too.  It tells me when I have to hold back, walk away, let the one I love figure it out for himself.  It tells me to watch for all the reasons to let it free even though my mind tells me something is wrong.  I listen to the whispers of God and He tells me through my love how to act.  Love demands its own set of healthiness from me and I follow it never bothering to look back to regret ever again.  When it is betrayed I don't stop loving, I stop giving.  I step back in grief, in shock and dismay, but love will never die for it is mine until the very end of time. 

          Love in me simply is and once it is it is forever.  My children taught me that.  The fact they were killed taught me how much more important it is to live from love's perspectives.  They showed me the depths within me I have to love are the reservoir of life itself.  I believe that is why God said He is love.  He wanted us to know the secret to the Universe.  Only in love do I know life in all its many splendid facets!  In love we all are the best we can be.  Only in love can I truly learn to know all of myself, all that I am capable of.  Only in love can I go to the ends of the earth and truly move heaven and earth.

          Dare I ever trust someone telling me they love me?  Dare I trust love again?   Yes, but there is a lesson to be learned.  I can't stop trusting love, the best that is in me.  I need to give it but step by step and hold onto faith, that which is unseen, while looking for reasons to keep it or walk away.  No one else needs to pay for this man's mistakes however intentional.  No one deserves less of me, less of my love.  The one I give my heart to now will know a wiser more cautious soul.


        Yes, my heart will be hurt, disappointment will find me again.  It's all part of the process of dating.  Love however, is always worth the risk or there will never be the reward, the joy of another that has the integrity worth trusting and believing in.  Put the blame squarely where it belongs and get mad is what I do.  My heart is precious and it did not deserve this betrayal.  It is memories that might have been, could have been that hurt but the truth is they were only illusions therefore I can choose to not let them hurt me anymore.  The lies will hurt for a while and yes, they will make me cry.  This too shall pass.  It will change if I allow it to.  I can forgive him because it is obvious to me he doesn't have a clue about life or love, and I no longer need to carry him with me so I forgive to cut him loose from me.

          To do this, to really see a way through this pain I look for answers to the questions now emerging from the light around me, the light I wasn't able to see until I feel how far down this pain goes.  What can I learn from his betrayal and lies?  What can I learn that will help me be wiser next time?  Can I protect myself better and still let love in, let love have its way?

          I see that I must trust love, and learn little by little to trust the next man.  Yes, I will get scared but that doesn't mean it has to stand in my way or stop me.  I simply have to keep being me and stand up for myself and my feelings, declare what I need and want with respect and finesse then see what happens.  If he looks at me and hears me and follows through then the negotiation will be successful.  As he continues I will trust more and more.  All along I finally see trust isn't the issue when it comes to loving someone as much as having faith in myself and my ability to trust the right things in someone my heart yearns for.  Whoever he is that comes next, whatever he presents to me I will trust him to be consistent in his actions until he proves otherwise.  I will have faith in myself that I can handle this, negotiate my way as Dr. Phil would say, and hope for that which can't be seen only experienced.   

      The two way street of love is my goal.  Now I know I will find it.  I don't need to but I'd like to, who knows it may just find me.

      "Why would you do this again?" Loving friends want to know.

      "One or two rotten apples in a barrel doesn't always ruin the entire lot.  I can single them out and get on with my quest for wonder, see what I can see and what I'll find.  You never know what's just around the corner if I'd give up now."


      I'll keep the wise path of knowledge of how scammers work in my thoughts and set out once again, always the adventurer.  Maybe that's why I still have so much fun and find laughter when no one else can.  This could have simply been a false start and now it is time to run the race to the clouds where I can actually find someone to make my home with, hold my hand, dance and play with me, laugh and even cry with me, someone that sees what I have to give and will in turn share himself with me.


      Dorothy from Kansas clicked here heels and blew on her way.  I'm clicking my keyboard gingerly but wading into the ocean where wonder awaits, praying but stepping in again.

Soaring Like A Hawk

by Aashdoda

© May1, 2011

        Laying on my back in the tall grassy mountain meadow I can hear the stream trickling nearby as I stare straight up squinting from the brilliant sun.  The rich deep blue sky makes the milky white cotton clouds stand out like a sheet of canvas upon which the tree's upper most leaves dance gently about.  I'm lost up there in the clouds without a care in the world.  It isn't like I don't have anything to do today.  I just realized my spirit needs the food I can't get anywhere else.  Time is irrelevant here and my heart begins to settle as the sun tans my skin.  Ah, the peace of the Rocky Mountains fills my soul like nothing else.  Alas I am a awash with mixed emotions wondering if he sees the same sky as I, if in fact he's thinking of me at all.

        Will the endless turmoil of love have its crazy way of making me blissfully insane or will it be requited saving me from heartbreak and quench my thirst?  Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but I find that it really only hurts.  Yes, I want him, miss him and even find my independent nature slipping away with the icy chill of needing him and it unsettles me for a reason I don't understand.  I asked for this, I think, knowing I'm the one that went looking for a companion, not entirely convinced I believed love was going to come my way another time.  There is no magic cut off age.  Love simply comes when we are ready.  It's easy to be willing but to be ready is something altogether different.  The proverbial question is what am I ready for?  Only God knows.  I think today I'm glad I don't.

        The two way street of love I have prepared myself to be ready to have and to walk has found me.  As our intimacy deepens and our relationship grows time seems to be irrelevant for I am soaring up there in the clouds like a hawk gently gliding from thermal to thermal, running a ridge, and popping over the top to find an expanse of wonder my sharp eyes will never forget.  It's just that lately some of the rises scare me more than I think they should.  I dive in for a closer intimate look but details are missing, facts to check and re-check and verify.  Still the time passes with little notice.  Every detail I take in is written in my mind and heart reminding me why I've worked so hard to be the best person I could possibly become.  I did it for my own sake so that when this moment came I'd find a man of like mind and heart that would take my hand and walk with me, work with me, no chaos and fighting just sharing the loads of life while loving up a storm together in each other's arms or at just a glance.

        Where this road goes I haven't a clue for it rises higher than the Continental Divide poking it's snow capped head above the clouds.  The smell of the mountain air is crisp and clean, pure and so refreshing.  Ah, but it is the taste of love that's ever so sweet my mind and body are simply reeling from somewhere beyond the reaches of everything and everyone.  I'm literally blissfully lost!

        Everyone I meet wants to know what's happened to me.  A few nail it down and pointedly say, "You look like a woman in love." 

        Men are attracted to me like bees to honey and I don't care for I only have eyes for the one I love.  "My heart is taken," I finally say and then they will let me be.  What must they be thinking?  I wish they could feel what I feel.  My wish is for everyone everywhere to know the love I have been so amazingly blessed with, for it to be theirs with their special someone!  Alas, I know not everyone travels the same road or is willing to do the hard emotional work to get here.

        For years I wondered if my life was cursed.  The sorrows and hardship were too many to bear yet when I learned the wisdom of hindsight I saw there had to be a reason I was paying the price I was.  Today I know exactly what that reason is, to make me who I prayed to become that such a fine honest and thoughtful man, so tender hearted and giving, would see all that I've become and love me as I am.  I love without reservation, throwing all caution to the wind.  All sage advice including our mutual agreement to take it slow doesn't mean the heart will listen or my body will care.  I am simply a woman in love.  He is a treasure by which all are compared, so like the one that taught me to never settle for less, my Grandpa.  He is mine as I am his, off the market and connected by a love that seems to know no limits save for acting from the purest of reason in me to be his hero with understanding and a smoldering passion that consumes me and drives me to bridge the insane thousands of miles that stand between us.

        I've never done anything in my life half way or half hearted.  If it was impossible it was going to happen to me.  I don't know why I didn't think of this when it came to love.  I give my all only this time I'm met part way.  It's an enviable place to live because love makes the universe itself is no longer a limitation.   This love propels me to worlds I couldn't dare to imagine and now so unexpectedly sent further still.  My eyes wide open I see the facts as they are.  Love magnifies everything if I only allow it so I can see clearly.  Desires are what blind me at times so I've opted to follow the laws God gave me trusting in that ancient wisdom.  Am I really seeing this clearly, something in me wants to know?

        Something extraordinary happened.  An angel whispered in my ear, "This is the path that was always intended."

        Tears of joy fill me to overflowing.  If there had to be a price to pay for this love, I'd live my life over from start to finish to land in this wonder.  It matters not how long it lasts, it matters that it is and it belongs to me.  There is wisdom in the caution with which I began but now it is time to let that go, throw it to the wind.  It is time to embrace the art of soaring.  


        The only question left is will I land?

The Chambers of My Heart

by Aashdoda

© April 20, 2011

       In the deep quiet of the night I realized as I laid alone I was naked and helpless to stop what was happening to me.  I didn't want it to stop yet part of me still wondered if all the cobwebs in my life born of tragedy had in fact been swept clean, scoured with intensity and passion to heal so no trace could return to interfere with my end goal, the two way street of love.  My fear was unsettling as I thought over the numerous hurdles I'd surmounted and those I know lie in my path for any intimate relationship to truly thrive.  I would always have work to do on my relationships, on myself, in my communication to be ultimately emotionally healthy.  It is my job to ensure my life is what I set out to make it, a shinning beacon of hope that with God all things are possible.  Waiting upon Him time and again, praying until I was so exhausted I couldn't remember falling asleep in His arms, always with stark honesty that filled me with tears, then finally collapsing in the tenderness of His love it had cleansed my life and literally remade me from the foundation up.  Certain conversations and boundaries to keep me safe must be declared firmly with resolution and softly as the woman I have become wears the trademark of her femininity generously open to all God wants me to know.  I've learned what I do deserve.  I have grown from agony to a peaceful serenity people are constantly telling me they are drawn to.  My truest success in life achieved and it is also the gift of myself I freely share, an ear that thoughtfully listens as I put myself in their shoes, lessons learned, frailties, everything that's made me who I am.  I exuded the mark of the one that has done her work to be not only authentic but at peace with all that is including the horrific worst possible past a woman can have, a childhood of slavery, torture in every form, murder, and unspeakable acts of violence and inhumanity.

       I am in point of fact more naked now than I have ever been.  It is frighteningly wondrous, mind boggling, and fulfilling all at the same time.  I never fear being naked only the ridicule I've experienced that cut so deep and took so long to heal.  Always it was the words that hurt the most.  It robbed me of adventures in that seeming wasteland of confusion and pain.  It stole time from me and far better memories that might have been.  Still I learned my lessons.

      

       The chambers of my heart hold fierce love and sorrow with and without regret.  It is a place I am most proud of because when I discovered how sacred it is I saw this is where I want to live and learn, the place to have my being.  It is the perspectives of love I want to see with, challenge myself with, and open to all that is.  There are many chambers, all of which are joined mysteriously.  Only this one concerns me most especially now.  The name on the door is "Diamond in The Rough".

       As the heavy solidly built door in all its simplicity yet old castle style opens, what appears to be hinges that should squeak and squeal at the time never make a sound.  They are well tended and lubricated to work easily, the work of healthiness meticulously attended.  Inside this room there is no furniture or wall mountings, no knickknacks or paintings.  There is however an especially clean smell with abundant sun.  The brightening light fills all the open space.  There are faint shadows on the wall where old pictures hung once upon a time though somewhat faded now so they blend in as though the room had received a fresh cleaning just the hour before.  The shadows remind me of the places I have been in this room and where I intend to go.  They are hints of ghosts both good and sad,  memories of how little the room had ever been shared for fear of what would happen if I dared allow anyone to know this precious sacred place of intimacy.  The years had made me tough, harder and more capable than any woman would expect to become, more independent and adaptable than anyone would dream while I kept this sacred place hidden and protected from the onslaught of would be destroyers.  Until I was ready I could only see the destroyers.  I did not know what to do but keep this door securely secret and locked until I had the skills of boundaries and the strength of time honored lessons that build wisdom to know how to use them to keep this place intact with all of its lingering memories, most never spoken aloud.  It took time to learn to trust myself that no matter what happens in my life I will be ok, it will just take a little time.  The treasured memories that reside here for most of my life were all I had.

       One day it was simply no longer enough to wait for "someday" for my life to begin.  My amazing loving animals were no longer enough.  The furniture had to go.  Out with the old, in with the new despite my pensive nature it was all I could think.  It was time to make room for a woman's needs and desires that deserved to be met.  New things need to have a place to reside, and in time placement fulfilled.  This place deserved new memories of joy and wonder, and the fulfillment of love at its very best.

       The soft shadows are nothing to fear for they were lessons that taught me how to open my heart, allow the chambers within to be visited and shared, finally helping me to open myself up to all that life had to give held in trust for when I was ready.  In these chambers I have lived alone half a century now.  For 50 years it has been my end goal to fill this room and let the intimacy here move me into the chambers of one man that understands both heartache and joy, wonder and friendship, and is willing to work for and with the two way street of love.  Many a time I could not bear the pain of walking near this door knowing how unfilled and empty the room was.  The day I cleared this place I still didn't know how to believe I could have what I was seeking, where in all the world I would find a man that wanted to be my hero as much as I wanted to be his.   Would I ever have a reason to share this key?  Would any man ever find it without my telling him where to look?  Even if he did would I let him pass over the threshold?  The answers simply had to be 'yes' but I knew it was up to me to be ready for it, clean it and prepare it to receive him, and put myself out there in this world that once was so scary and allow him to find me.  The time for this challenge to stretch myself and see what I could do was at hand.  I would not shrink now.

       In the shinning intimacy of this room no clothes are allowed.  I stand stark naked basking in the rays of love that demand how I act.  It dictates all of my actions demanding only the best I have within to give, acting as a hero or being silent and listening.  Once I visited this room I discovered what I knew when I was born.  I lost sight of the truth through the pain and torment that was my life, finally losing all light when my children were killed.  The truth hit me, I loved myself.  I was Divinely made and inspired to love myself.  It was the first step.  If I could only reach inside and pull that back to me, hold onto it again, this room was not going to remain empty much longer.  I dedicated myself to finding a way to have reasons, concrete visible tangible reasons I loved myself.  I stood in front of a mirror every day and took one moment and finally two and three, then a minute to admire what I saw, who I was, and what I had inside of me to give.  At first I didn't realize it was simply gratitude though in time that simple act would permeate my life.  In the beginning there was only liking, then one day that love came back home to my mind.  I will never let it go again.  That love was the warmth of the security blanket of my heart, though it hung quietly in another chamber, it found its way back to me as though an angel lifted it off the hook and brought it to wrap me in once more.  I know who I am, why I am here, what my job is, and what my talents are.  Deep inside I truly knew all the answers I needed.  I only had to listen closely to the breeze that carried life giving oxygen within speaking to me what it was I needed to do next.  In that moment I knew without a doubt love from another was not far away, healthy abiding love as pure as a baby is absolutely innocent and perfect in every way.

       I am the key to the door of intimacy called "A Diamond in The Rough".  Every path in my heart leads me to this core room, in fact each room joins it out of necessity, a lesson that I wanted to understand the clarity of.  I made my life inside these chambers of my heart, once in secret but never again.  Now I give what I have within me to others.  Still more often than not while living alone without another soul to talk to I did not go inside this door for there was no need to.  I lived the life of love, obeyed it's behaviors but this room was too quiet for me. 

       When I started online dating suddenly I was swimming in responses to my profile, no games, just purely me in all honesty.  With playful abandon I opened a window inside my heart for fresh air and there he was the answer to all the years of my prayers.  It was he that led me hand in hand to this door as though he always knew the way.  His masculine hands in mine confidently firm, holding me ever so tenderly and close to him he paused to see if I would open the door.  He knew I was the key but it was his heart that understood how deeply I needed to be the one to let him in, make my way to him.  He told me we have to hold on to the love we have when it shows up.  He knew instantaneously there was no other woman for him, no one else that would erase his pain by fulfilling his needs and desires with a heart that understood where he's been, respect and honor, protect and cherish it as I do my own.  This was moving almost too sudden for me, certainly to feel comfort.  Like everyone on this earth he too had his fears, the one stinging most I heard him say was that I would leave him.  The more often he said it the more I felt uneasy as if he was telling me he had baggage still with him.

     Risk is part of my path or there is no growth, no change, no opportunity for wonder and success, no hope of the love I live for.  This room is all of me and it has always had a place for him because as I took his words so sweetly spoken into the privacy of my heart this door clicked for the first time as I walked by.  It called to me and when I looked inside the light was dancing as I'd never seen before like St. Elmo's Fire and the Northern and Southern lights all rolled into one.  I held onto his certainty and strength and told him my inner most fears.  He let me cry and be afraid hoping his heart would not be shattered one more time until I was through.  Embracing me softly with every one of his words saying, all will be revealed, that I need no longer fear because he was coming for me, I caught a glimpse of something new in the corner of this room.  Suddenly like the end of a rainbow after a soothing spring shower I saw a pot of gold brimming over with diamonds and jewels.  The clouds of the past truly are gone so the treasure could be revealed.  I find myself cheerfully inviting him in, over the threshold.  We pause for a moment as my knight, surely in my eyes a king, I declare this sanctuary open for his every pleasure in me.

        I have no care that it happened or that I am naked.  I care only that it did happen, that he is here in all his wonderful masculinity naked with me.  Love has seized the day and made this diamond in the rough a sparkling jewel to behold.  We are a priceless pair for only he could have known what this rough stone really was beneath the milky surface of my fears.  Not because he is a geologist but because he sees me as I am, has been there, sees me thru the eyes of love's truth.  He is a scientist therefore by nature not blinded by what he wants me to be.  He weighs the data to know who and what I am and discerns what I am made of.  Facts are his friend for they tell the real story. Where to find me and how to get past my resistance was the hard part.

       In this chamber with his love I recognize that he is a sparkling diamond himself with many facets etched by time and polished crystal clear from his own painful heat.  As his heartfelt words refract the light breaking it into every brilliant color there is I am moved by the simplicity of his words always so direct and clear.  I'm here baby, he says warmly in a sexy deep voice, I will never betray you.  In some ways I wonder how he knows me so well.  In another I know I carry an ocean of surprises waiting to be discovered just as he is my wonderful mystery I long each moment to unfold.  We belong in the light shinning.  We belong to happiness, the sated sweet happiness of love!

       Still I have one nagging thought, is this man for real?  Am I missing something, too lonely to see clearly?  It is what I need to hear but he can't know where I've been that set in motion the fact it is much more than a need to hear, it has to be real.

       This wonderful blessed place, this is now my home.  From here all things are possible.  From here all wonder is revealed.  In this place I have learned that I needed him to polish the diamond in the rough simply by letting him in.  As I allow him to be who he is in his truest depth so too will I become more of the woman I was born to be.  The love we share will dazzle and hone my surface revealing my facets and the uniqueness of the cuts that have made me the woman I'm proud to have become.  Step by step as we learn about each other, giving and receiving, the new furniture is built and the room redecorated.  It's like a dream, perfect in every way with every tiny nick it is love's best work.  Now I feel like I am at long last home.  I can hardly wait for each moment we share to see what next is built, where it takes us, what joys are in store, and what this home will finally be.  There is no illusion here.  I know we will have our challenges.  Since I've never done anything but overcome what seemed impossible, with God's help and grace, I believe there is simply no end to the wonder in here.

       He will have to choose what he wants.  I won't choose for him.  I've made my choice to see where this leads, hold onto the love that came my way.  All I have ever done is pray for and love "the one" when he was nothing but a hope and promise, my fervent prayer of love.  I want more for him than I want for myself even now.  It just appears that love has something in store for both of us beyond imagination or expectation.  We must simply choose to follow the path to its conclusion one step at a time.

       We work hard, we pray, we hope, and dream then in the end we love like there is no tomorrow.  All I know for sure is that the best is yet to come.  My heart is full for I finally know my prayers have been answered in the time that makes the answer best.  All these long years I waited for what was best, held out for standards of love above reproach in a man of solid integrity and positive character, a man filled with loving kindness that dictates his actions.  Now here I am with exactly what I knew I'd have and it's so much better because the timing and my heart are at long last all right with the fact that all good things come to those whom wait.  No one ever says the other part, it takes work on yourself, loving work that's hard and challenging, and in the end rewarding to be ready to meet the one ready for me.  All my love is by choice with my eyes wide open.  The purest joy this moment brings, even I a writer can't find words to paint the masterpiece of wonder inside of me. 

       I sought with my heart, my eyes wide open and now I am found.  Indeed, I am the most blessed woman on this earth!  In the chambers of my heart I found my greatest inspiration, truly I am home naked as can be.  I find myself wondering isn't that what was always meant to be?

One Moment Makes All The Difference

One Moment Makes All The Difference

by Aashdoda 

© April 14, 2011

         Going about my day seemed so simple, a day like any other.  Thinking back every day of my life that means the most whether good or bad seemed like just another day but I felt a peace about it I could not explain.

        The day my Grandfather, whom the sun literally rose and set on his shinning bald head, came to visit to give me a perfect memory of Christmas Eve was like every day.  The sun rose and set with a world of wonder in between.  The day my children were born and killed was unusually calm.   How could I have known my life would forever shatter beyond seemingly possible repair on a clear blue sky day, changing the very course of my life like nothing else can?  It looked like every day.  How could I have known my own life was to be sacrificed that day in the process of trying to save them, and that God would send me back not once but twice?  The day I received my college entrance letter was quiet and unassuming as every other.  I was both terrified and thrilled my life was going to begin with a bright future.   The day I realized I had the forgiveness within me to give my parents for the horrors they left as their legacy to me was as normal as could be yet life altering.  The first time I fell in love came and went like today, as did my broken heart that took several years to heal.

        Every day, every life altering event in my life has occurred upon a day like any other.  Here I thought I was just going to start dating again and I logged onto a website only to see a very handsome dark haired man with long tanned legs smiling at me from ear to ear.  The picture was screaming on my computer screen to pay attention.  I did and the day was just like every day in my life, moving me through the mysterious path God had laid before me to follow into destiny.  "The internet wasn't where I'd find what I was looking for."  I secretly allowed myself to hear my voice admit.  I knew I could find something to pass the time, have fun, meet men I'd like to spend time with, maybe even find a few friends to ride motorcycles with.  This one face stood out in my mind.  The long distance relationship of 1,000 miles was the last thing I wanted.   Somehow I missed that fact until after the email was sent.  I gazed at his picture and I wondered what was I doing?  "There is no way that handsome man will go for this inquiry despite the fact I know I am worth it, have everything to offer an intelligent scientist, possess a heart any man would jump to know."   I laughed at myself.  I knew I wasn't being cocky or arrogant.  Yes, I was confident having searched my soul for years, tended my emotional health and healing processes diligently for a day to ultimately be ready for love once more.  I was ready for the love people dream of and so few ever do, find a man with a like mind and heart in the same vein of pure honesty willing to chance it all and throw all caution to the wind including reason.  "Well," I considered my email already out of my grasp on its path, "at least I'll learn something about dating."

        To my joy this amazing sweet hearted man replied to my query.  I didn't know what to think but this was a day just like every day in my life, quietly understated in the shadow of the beauty of the Rocky Mountains so majestically towering above the horizon well over 14,000 feet about sea level.  It was the way he'd written about himself and what he was looking for that had made me leap off the cliff without a care in the world thinking only of fun.  I wouldn't play with his heart but I wanted to learn from his search.  When I saw the distance between us I was terrified, my worst case scenario was at hand.  I stepped without thinking, I thought at first, but remembered all the times I'd done that and it had been exactly what I needed to do to learn some morsel of wisdom that had become invaluable.

        It was the night I realized I was falling in love with the sweetest kind man I'd met since my Grandfather that struck me how preciously warm I'd felt all day thinking it was just another day that amazes me still.  I have known a peace all day today that belonged to the greatest joy of healing and hope and wonder that exists.  Love in the depths of intimacy had its way with me which I never saw coming.  I was both frustrated at what I started for one instant when fear crept in, and a glimpse of terror seized hold of me because this man I had be conversing deeper and deeper into the interiors of my being where my heart was safe was forcing a well of emotions to gush like a geyser toward the surface.   My heart was telling me the doors have been completely open for a while now but it is time to let go of a thorn I couldn't remove until tonight.  This thorn isn't pain or anything that is simply life.  It is a thorn that had a hard shell to protect the precious seed germinating within that was born to be the most lovely intricate design God had planned for me and my lovingly heart strong man all along.  The shell has been cracked, that's what I was feeling as the seed placed upon the fertile soil of intimacy without the hindrance of physical contact for the moment as it would hinder reaching the depths it needs to be planted in.

             I went looking for wonder and that's precisely what I have found, a manly soul filled with it and all the tenderness and thoughtful expressions a woman could dream of yet I realize this is only the tip of the iceberg.  Am I ready for this passionately intense mystery to come to fruition?  Absolutely without a single doubt so uncharacteristic of me there is no hesitation inside of me.  He is what I have prayed for, longed for, hoped and dreamt of.  Here he is in one single moment, the moment that makes all the difference he tells me he knew the moment he saw my picture that he was in love, that I am the woman for him.

        How are men so certain?   Why did God wire them to see so clearly from a thousand miles away the woman made for them?  All I can say is thank God he also wired them to relentlessly pursue the woman of their deepest heartfelt desires and dreams!
 

        "Will you accept a rose from me?"   He asked so unexpectedly I heard him literally serving his very heart on a platter to me with a world of hope glittering the plate more brightly shinning than the sun itself.

         I thought he had a way to email or instant message me the rose.  Suddenly I realized I think too small when he said, "they will be there Friday."  Tears filled my eyes as my body melted like goo all but sliding right onto the floor.  No one had ever done this for me, spoken so honest and open, sharing their heart on the line between joy and devastation, reached out in love to soothe my very soul with the gentle whispers of his true intentions to woo me in courtship with a gift of chivalry.

         "Is this too good to be true?  Am I kidding myself?  How can this be so sudden?"  The question remained could I be objective and listen to the answers.

        I was glad he couldn't see my mascara running down my face leaving me with raccoon eyes and streams of glistening heavenly pools of wonder overwhelming me rushing to feed the seed faith held in trust for this very moment.  All my dreams were coming true.  The seed was being fed it's very first drink of purified water blessedly divinely inspired so that it may at last become all it is meant to be.  The very best in me sprang forth as he professed his love.  So why did I still feel fear?

       
       I was in awe of this ordinary day and this extraordinary moment.  All the years I'd worked so hard to reach my goals to be a better woman, the best woman within me to be, the woman the man I was designed for and he for me..., would we recognize each other as the kindred spirits I felt.  God's mysterious ways had struck like lightening without a moments warning changing everything for the best, the faith I'd held onto would finally see the only reward I've ever wanted, love.  As the moment thundered through my body I knew without a doubt I had begun falling in love with this man, perhaps from the moment my eyes fell upon his charming masculine tanned face and genuine smile.  His long tanned legs certainly made him ever so memorable to my eyes.

        As the echoing rolls reverberated in every fiber of my being I thought how the faint beginnings of this amazing storm had begun with his first email.  It had unnerved me simply because he saw right through me and into my heart stating what I was looking for, "a best friend and eternal companion with a sense of humor".  How he knew I couldn't say, what he saw in my words could only be of divine inspiration because only to him was I transparent.  He said what I had to give any man would be "lucky, honored and proud to have in his life."  His words touched my heart with a sweetness that woke me as no words ever had since my children were born.

       
       For all the years of working to be ready for this moment I was once again more certain than ever I had done all the right things I needed to do to create the moment, work for this moment, and now accept this moment as the beginning of all good things to come.  I had traveled every road I needed to, many I hadn't enjoyed or wanted to but knew I must or give up the hope of ever seeing love again.  Here I sat starring at the love coursing through the computer screen and all I could think was that this one moment makes all the difference!