Dare To Hope..., Live All Out

by Aashdoda

© June 18, 2011

          If I dare to hope then I must live.  To live I must do it all out, holding nothing back, embrace every opportunity whether hard or soft, happy and fulfilling or it ends up miserable and painful reducing me to tears.  It isn't the end result I think about, though I picture success in each moment, I focus on the joy of trying.  I put my hope to the test.  I let myself go and see what will happen after I've set myself up for the most positive outcome I can think of by using my many years of experience, the lessons I've learned and sage advice from trusted council.  It is in the act of letting go I seem to find the greatest joy of all because in that moment I'm exquisitely present and I feel alive, thriving.  Something inside of me simply soars.  At this point no matter what has happened to ground me in the past my hope has found its wings.

          Someone has decided to play with my heart lately and the heart of the man I care so deeply about.  He impersonated me and impersonated the man I'm falling in love with.  It has hurt me so hard I didn't want to date again, didn't want to wake up to the tears and pain of the heartache I've been feeling.  Suddenly the hacking is supposedly under control.  He admitted to his indiscretion born of jealousy and for reasons I know nothing about has agreed with the man I care about to stop doing this.  Over the internet I have no way to prove this so I remain skeptical to say the least.  The lies he told still burn inside of me and I don't know what to trust.  I can't see the man I love but something inside of my heart tells me to just hold on and give him the benefit of the doubt.  If I don't I'll never know what we have that just may be the best thing that's ever happened to me.  If I let go and plunge ahead I'm not taking the best care of myself I can.  So what do I do?  I step forward cautiously, mindful of every single step and wait until he can come to be with me in person.  I can't fault my love for what happened because he's hurting like I am.  We both are very tired of this game we were unwittingly exposed to, vulnerable to being hurt by.  We are both weary of the years of life's hard knocks and at times timid of heart as a result.

          I find myself asking if the man I care so deeply for will hold on and let me be ill at ease for the time being?  Will he understand that I still care but that caution is our only chance to proceed further by waiting for our relationship's growth to resurge once we meet?  Will he hold on and give me the benefit of the doubt?  Once our eyes finally meet life will find a way to erase doubt so that we may start over stronger.  The man I have begun to fall for will understand, he won't give up on me or what we have discovered.  In truth of fact our relationship is being tested harshly very early on and something in both of us won't give up on what we have experienced with each other.  There is an irresistible quality to what we share I can trust.

          I was lost when I spoke to him today wanting it to be him and not knowing how to make sure it was.  The date of his arrival has changed, still another week away, another lie uncovered.  It is painful to me to think someone would try to interfere in something that was none of their affair.  It is comforting to me to hear that my love is like me skeptical but unwilling to give up on what we had, promising me nothing will keep him from coming to me next week.

          In my life my heart has been shattered more times than I can count by the promise of hope stolen just after I attained it.  In truth there is no better way to destroy someone than to do that very thing which is why I find it so heinous downright evil.  My life has been utterly devastated, destroyed and annihilated.  My children have been murdered, my life literally taken twice by death, yet here I am.  My family has not just abandoned me but betrayed me in every way imaginable.  Still I learned how to trust, what to trust in others and rebuilt my world into a healthy functioning life of peace within my autonomy despite being alone.  I have taken every struggle, every sorrow, every battle I've been forced into and turned them into something that made me a better person.  Make no mistake this isn't just my own doing by any means, this has been with and only with the Grace of God at work in me and my life.  I have lost everything and regained my world only to have my heart tested once more by an ignorant obnoxious and cruel human being all because he was jealous of what I have despite the fact my love and I are just beginning to discover what we may truly have and all the possibilities that exist for us to have a lifetime of love and joy together.  Nothing is set in stone.  So what is the point in being jealous of us?  We are just beginning to find our way.

          Will I give up now?  Will I succumb to twisted and painful moments of trust turned inside out?  Will I cut my losses and run now?  I most certainly will not!  I choose to stand my ground and let God handle this pain, guide me through the rain of tears and doubts, and give my love the time it needs to break the barriers that keep us apart for the moment.  I will talk to him, guarded I admit.  I will reach out as he reaches out to me.  I will declare my boundaries as I expect it from him.  I will trust what and where I can.  I will run on my feelings and God's guidance and pray like a sweeping wind clears a path to open our hearts if this is in fact what is meant to be to salvage us from the wreckage of damage by one man's green eyed monster within.  In time I will forgive him though it will take time, and cut him loose from us completely.  Right now I will be cautious knowing that my love, should he truly love me as I feel for him will more than understand.  He will want me to proceed carefully for my welfare and that of the love we share.  More than anything else I trust God to protect me and bring us together when the time is destined to occur or separate us forever.  I will pass this test and pray my love does as well.

          We are both weary of this mess, weary of the bruises our lives have inflicted, and weary of false starts and holes in the road to love.  One thing I know for certain tonight is that our love is stronger than our obstacles, stronger than the past, stronger than any pain or interference in our course!  What we have is stronger than anything I've known and I will trust in that as God's blessing.  This is a powerful lesson obviously I need or it wouldn't be happening.  I will guard the love in my heart for him as I know he is guarding his for me, tenderly tending the Garden of Eden and the wells that spring forth fulfilling us when we least expect it.  Every moment I live and breathe I will protect and nurture and defend and trust the love I know and the love I feel.

          A good man once told me, "trust is what you have to give but it is faith that you hold onto."  Little does he know the gift he gave me and the man I love.  I will forever pray God blesses this man for crossing my path before my honey came along.  If he hadn't perhaps I'd have stumbled and given up without taking the hardest road ahead, waiting for the richest and bountiful blessing of all, the two way street of love.  My Grandpa told me, "never give up your standards and morals for something less than what you want most or God's blessings will be less than what He wants you to know and have."  I've waited 51 years for love, so I will wait another week just to see if this is the one man in all the world meant for me that God made me for.  Where it will take us I have no clue.  I only trust it is for the best.

        Loss has been the way of my life up until now.  I'm risking it all once again.  Love is worth it all if only for a single solitary moment of it!  My children taught me that.  No matter what happens I know I will survive, grow wiser as I grow older.  One thing I will always believe, the very best is yet to be as long as I live all out as little ole me!